stitched_soul

DiNaH says...
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2004-01-16 11:12:14 (UTC)

scared to death

what the heck am i scared for?

death?

we've studied death and from the church i've learned how it
isn't really scary because physical death is the end of
sufferings, and the beginning of the real life -- if you've
managed to maintain a good relationship with God, then
you'll go to heaven by His side.

so what am i scared about?

my dad is on his last few moments here on earth... a few
moments left to share with us.

but i'm away from my parents. why? i guess i should tell
the truth -- that i chose to be away from them. why?
because i don't wanna witness the sufferings my father is
going through right now. why? because i just can't!

am i running away from reality? yes, i guess. why? i'm
scared! darn it!

i thought i was ready to face the fact, but now i just
realize that i still am not. i don't know what to do. but
everytime the situation arises, i pretend that everything
is fine... that i can handle myself and things will be
alright.

i'm still in the stage of denial. although i'm aware of
what's going on with me, still, i can't find myself
accepting the truth.

pa'no na 'ko pag wala na s'ya?
it's now that i recall the past -- how i was so close to
him. i once was a daddy's girl. only when the biggest
problem in my life... in our family things begun to change
and we drifted apart. i thought the wounds are healed
already. but the pain's still here. i tried to break the
gap, but is it pride that's keeping me?

i don't wanna be bitter. life's beautiful, right?

work is my companion right now. it takes away the pain, the
boredom, the loneliness. here in the office, everyone makes
me feel light. i don't show my feelings. i don't beg for
pity. my friends... aahh... they've always been there. and
acel. i have to thank that weirdo for listening to me.

tomorrow is saturday, it's my offset in the afternoon so
i'll be leaving the office early. i'll be going home to my
parents house and only God knows what will happen next.

there's one thing i really don't wanna see -- the almost
skeleton body of my father struggling with cancer. i don't
wanna hear him moaning for the pain.

i just wanna preserve the good times i had with him when i
was a child... when he was still healthy.

but i have to face him tomorrow, and act as if i'm fine. i
don't want him to worry about me, because he's like that.
he still cleans my sneakers when he's feeling fine, even if
he can no longer walk without his crutches.

God, i'm scared...
i'm really scared...


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