purple star

teach me

take me away. fill me with desire. teach me how to live
a life without regret..... this is a line from a song by
one of my favorite industrial bands :) apop!!! i went out
tonight. and did not get so shit faced that i did
something i would regret. yay heather! i dont know whats
wrong with me lately, as i have expressed in previous
entries. i am so sexual recently when im drunk or have
been drinking that it scares me. why all of a sudden? why
now? i was NEVER like this before. EVER. i feel like the
drink should be taken away from me. it could get me in a
lot of trouble.
is this my true self? am i just so hesitant in my sober
life that i would never express how i truly feel? well,
that answer is clearly yes. but in a sexual way? i think
not. maybe im just starved for affection. or something.
male attention. that when ive been drinking i convey that
more? which is not a good thing. and makes me look
bad.... but this is my journal and i will write as i
please.
in all honesty... i want a relationship. im sick of this
stupidity. i want a relationship with someone who loves
me. i dont know who that is right now... but i want it. i
want it so much. and i think i deserve it. i have gone
through some shit with guys... which unfortunately makes me
THAT much more reserved. but i know i want a
relationship. and im determined to find the best guy for
me. whether that guy is present in my life right now.... i
dont know. but im willing to find out. so lets begin....
reality.