Pieces of Me
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2004-01-15 04:15:45 (UTC)

Life Sucks, But I'm Still Happy

When I was 13, I was so messed up. I was depressed,
fat, suffering from female hormonal imbalances, and I
wanted to kill myself.
Just recently (within the past couple of years), I've
suffered from extreme bitterness toward the world's entire
population of males, I've experienced a severe fear of
sex, I've been abused in more than one way, I've developed
an incabapility of coping with stress, my parents' 18 year
marriage has become rocky, my grandpa was hospitalized
just last night with a bad case of the flu and a possible
stroke, and I'm still chubby.

However, something has changed from a couple of years
ago, and I don't quite understand it. My life continuously
remains at least somewhat sucky in one way or another, but
as of now... I'm still happy. It's like nothing can get me
down... at least not long-term.

It seems unnatural for someone to be so happy and so
full of love and compassion for basically anyone that
comes along, but that's probably because it is. I think it
mostly has to do with God. Lately, I've been recognizing
the power of prayer, and I've been developing a pretty
stable relationship with Him... or at least I've been
trying to.

Although I think I've known it all along, I have just now
come to the realization that with God, everything really
WILL be okay in the end no matter what happens, no matter
how much I screw things up.

I now live by the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you
stronger", and I honestly believe that life will never get
hard enough to push us over the edge, only hard enough to
push us to it.

It's nice to have the positive philosophy that the glass
is always have full, and never half empty. But all this
okay-ness with everything is making me think that maybe
I'm also just a little bit insane.

Either way, I enjoy completely trusting, for once,
that my life is in good hands. It's an incredibly
comforting feeling.

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