Cat

bugger

I wrote a really long entry yesterday and it has gone
missing. Grrrrrrr!

Oh well, I'll do another one now instead :)

At school, something really horrid has been going on. A
year 12 pupil is really fucked up. I don't teach her, but
the Modern Language staffroom is full of discussion about
the poor love and she is in serious shit, mental health
wise. I find it so hard to hear the things she is going
through and about her si etc and I cannot say a bloody
word. I have to just keep my head down and remember how
important it is that i keep my wristband in place. I want
to hug her, help her, give the staff advice on how to help
her...

I managed to take my mind off si for a bit tonight (it has
been 2 weeks since I last did) by throwing myself into
lesson planning. I have just planned some great ones for
tomorrow.
however, now i am back in the world of me, away from the
imaginary world where i hide and plan lessons (!) and si is
calling me again.

I keep remembering how great i felt on Sunday morning when
i woke up with no fresh cuts after resisting the night
before. Maybe I need to keep focusing on that and stop
thinking about the following quotes which won't stop going
through my head from posts by S after I posted on New
Year's Eve: (She is still in group - I unsubbed on Saturday
after they still hadn't banned her - I read posts through
my illicit other membership!!!)

"You crave love and affection, go from one person to the
next - one minute its fabienne, the next its dr sam, now
its dominique"
"actions like yours just reinforce the stereotype of self
harm."
"What a way to start the year for everyone "i must be the
centre of attention, ruin everyone else's new year" "
"Others will be angry here too but they will be too scared
to say anything cos you're "Cat", you're the one who can
get away with anything, the bully"
"Do you think in your current state you're fit to be a
teacher?"

I can't get these things out of my head and the main reason
for this is that I was not allowed to reply, give my side.
I couldn't reply to any of her barbed, vindictive comments.
I had to take them, at a time when I was at my lowest. If I
had replied she would have ignored my reply anyway and
would have said I was bullying or violating her.

Oh and her private mail to me just enforced this. I
especially found "L says its like i
hold a mirror up to you, like I am some moral good example
and you get mad at me cos you see where im at and want it
too" extremely unpleasant. Thanks L...

I am feeling shit. Really fucked off and frustrated.

Sorry I am being so pathetic tonight. Yesterday's 2nd (of
3!!!) assessment went OK, but it was as painful as they
always are and I shut myself off from thinking about it
last night - went to the farm and hid. Tonight I am
confronting what she said and what i said and I am not
liking what I am seeing and thinking.

I guess S hurts me most by attacking my weaknesses.
I know that I am not fit to be a teacher.
I know that my crushes are pathetic.
I know that I abused the group on New Year's Eve and upset
people.
I know I am a fucking failure.
I don't need to be told it by her.

Anyway, I will go and try to calm down and stop fucking
seething now.

Cat x