2004-01-13 08:52:49 (UTC)

stay or go

so, i'm dating this guy. same one still. long time for
me. i'm not sure whether to break things off or not. i'm
not sure if this is the right place for me. i'm not sure
if he's the right guy for me right now. i'm not sure if
he suits my needs and wants right now.

am i sure of anything? ugh!!

someone once said, "you always want what you can't have
and you always don't want what you have." then someone
else also said, "you don't really know what you had/have
till it's gone."

i'm afraid that if i let this one go, i'll really regret
it. i don't know what to do. ugh!!

i'm not depressed; i merely don't know what to do! should
i stick it out or should i end things before they get too

here's the story. we've been dating for a couple months.
i have to keep in mind that i'm afraid of committment.
since he doesn't really celebrate holidays due to his
ethicity, he came to my house for thanksgiving. we had a
good time and he ate lots of food. xmas comes around and
he was freaked out about spending two consecutive holidays
with my family, so he didn't come. then, i leave town for
a few days to visit friends. he calls a couple times.
then new years hits. since he's wishy-washy about plans,
i make plans with a friend of mine and he picks my
drunkself up afterwards and drives me home.

it was nice of him to come pick me up. right?? i think
so! i really am thankful that he and my friends made sure
i got home safely.

then the bomb dropped. i hadn't really seen the boy and
spent time with him for a couple weeks. we'd make plans
and they'd get messed up somehow. it just sucked.
finally, we went out. we went to watch a football game at
a local bar. it was nice to finally spend time with him.
we made a bet about the game and i won. :) he now owes
me dinner at a restaurant of my choice and a movie.

however, throughout the game at the bar i could not look
him straight in the eye. was it because of the two other
guys i had recently kissed? or was it because we hadn't
spent that much time together recently and somewhat
drifted apart. while walking home from the bar, he asked
what was up. i told him that i didn't like putting up
with his bullshit - being unreliable and stuff. he said
he was sorry. we continued the conversation at home and
sorted things out. :)

a week goes by.

he had a job interview today. (or yesterday morning since
it's 3am now!) he was so psyched (and nervous) about it.
i'm really hoping he gets it!! i was the first one he
called afterwards and he came and met me for breakfast.
it was nice to see him and hang out with him. after we
ate, we walked a bit around my neighborhood and hung out
some at my place. we talked - that's it. i wanted to get
my groove on, but nope. what guy denies any kind of
sexual actions?? maybe his mind is preoccupied about a
job. but damn, he makes jokes about sex all the time...
why can't he be serious about it?? so, i drive him to the
train on my way to work. he gives me a quick kiss goodbye
and that's it. that's it.

ugh!! i know we all view things differently, but am i
analyzing things too much here? maybe, but that's what
girls do (some guys too!). i know that girls and guys
think about things differently, but i'd really like to be
clued in on things a little more!

we have plans to see my friend's band play on wednesday
night, but we'll see if that happens.

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