2004-01-12 23:08:24 (UTC)

someday, somehow

nothings wrong just as long as you know that someday i will,
someday, somehow, im guna make it alright,
but not right now.
i know youre wondering when, youre the only one who knows

Whateva. today was a long day. i didnt sleep well and my
neck and back still hurt really bad. she didnt call me
back last night at all. whatever i guess i wasnt
surprised. im done talking about that now.

i had to hear like a day long speech this morning from
danelle about how matt is such a nice guy and so sweet and
hes stunned by my beauty and he sees something in me and
blah blah blah blah blah... i hate to be a bitch about it,
but i keep it real. why cant people just accept what i say
and let me be?

im having some serious anxiety issues about school
tomorrow. i really dont want to deal with people being in
my classes. hopefully i wont have to. but its always a
strong possibility. in which case i'm very inclined to say
fuck this and we'll break our lease and get the fuck out of
here now. its not like it will make a difference to anyone
else. shes guna care even less now when david gets here,
and even if there were thoughts in her mind in my favor, if
she talks to him, he'll remind her of what a bitch i was
and she'll listen to anything he says. i dont know, im
thinking of it in terms of my friends and how it would go,
but i said i was done talking about it now.

it was really nice to see richard last night. he looks
different his hairs not black and its short and he has hair
on his face which is really funny. but hes still the
same. and it took me a minute to relax, i thought id never
go in that room again, but then it was so comfortable and
familiar. it was nice to be with an old friend and be able
to be myself. i feel like i havent been able to be myself
for a long time, at least not regularly. i guess with this
job, and with matt, both of them actually, and caroline...
it was nice to be able to talk about girls tits on the TV,
not feel like im trying to impress someone, and not have to
watch what i say, and everything. and when i left, i was
getting in my car and he walked around the side and i was
like, okay bye, and he gave me a hug, and it was a real
hug, not a one-armed hug, or an in-the-car hug, or

i mean. i guess, its juts that i have so little here
anymore. theres virtually nothing left between me and
matt, ashleys in tampa, dawns in atlanta, robins in north
carolina, caroline may as well be in another country for as
distant as she is, claudias at work 20 out of 24 hours a
day, maria has her baby and her job and school...
everything slipped away when i wasnt paying attention.

someday it will be different, right. someday there will be
another girl i'm this crazy about, but i wont fuck it up
the first time around. so she wont push me away, she'll
let me take care of her, and we'll live in a purple house
in the mountains with cats and puppies and fish and flowers
and i'll cook and clean for her and we'll sleep in on
sundays and we'll each have one job that we love and we'll
travel and then one day we'll have a little girl.

alternatively, i will find out for sure that i cant have
children, and i'll still be chasing my past around looking
for something that isnt there anymore until i die alone.

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