purple star

Never once spoken
2004-01-12 06:24:35 (UTC)

run

im about a millisecond away from grabbing some clothes and
buying a plane ticket to somewhere far away. i cant deal
with this life i have built for myself anymore. there are
very few things that i do that i feel good about myself for
doing. i could really throw up right now. i spent a good
portion of last night and today crying hysterically. i
only paused to go to work. im so disorganized and hectic
that my head is spinning. i feel like i want to cry all
the time, not get out of bed, and/or run away. i would
like to stay in bed unless i am leaving for a long time.
this is horrible. i havent felt this hopeless in a long
time. and i dont know how to deal with it anymore. the
drugs had numbed me from this... and now the drugs arent
helping anymore. i feel like my life is a helter skelter
of life changing decisions. the only decision in the past
couple of days that i can say i was damn proud of myself
for was kicking owen and telling him to go with heather
instead of coming home with me. im not a whore, i dont
sleep around, and im not proud of the part of myself that
allowed me to do so in the past. oh when will i make sense
of anything. i feel like im defeated... a failure.... and
i yearn to take things away from people that they dont
deserve. im not getting in to what that is right now. but
there is one situation in particular that im referring to.
alright im going to bed without having written the paper i
meant to write tonight. failing again. maybe my breath
will be stricken from my lungs as i fall into a deep
slumber, never to be awakened. life? no thanks.




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