DadyFatPak

What goes on in my own little world
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2004-01-12 06:00:25 (UTC)

Things that seem too good to be true...

All right, so it's been a year since I started this, and
had done it for about 2 months I believe. But i decided
to come back and write. I think the reason i started this
last year is because i was going through a pretty hard
time, as you (the ones who read previous entries) noticed
before, the stories were sad or something depressing each
time. At the time i didn't really have any certain people
i talked to about things to let them out, and it just made
me feel better. Now i don't and won't talk to just anyone
about it, they have to be good friends, trusted, and I
have to feel comfortable around them.

Well now... i face similar problems, different people,
probably same subject though. Loneliness... It is one of
the biggest fears anyone can face. No matter what, people
don't like to be alone for good. Sometimes you need
space, maybe a little time, but when everyone is around
you and you still feel alone... It's pretty hard to deal
with. Your good friends will ask 'What’s the matter?' You
can say 'nothing or try to explain it to them, but then it
goes back to I only tell certain people the way i feel,
which means i just say 'nothing'. Therefore it just stays
inside, and builds up.
Have you ever had really good news about something, or
something great you wanted to tell everyone but can't at
the time being. The more you keep it inside, the more
excited you get about it, and the more you want to tell
people. Well think of it in a reverse direction, the
build up of not having someone there to talk to, to hug,
cuddle, even having someone to walk into a party with,
holding your hand.
Well the Holidays haven't made any of this better. It
started off my best friend went out of town, but i still
partied and chilled with my friends. Then is when i
started becoming good friends with someone i had known for
a long time, but hadn't chilled with. Well then my dad
came down for Christmas, which was also a good part of my
break. The day after Christmas was the day i went to
Indianapolis for the time of my life.. yeah.. right. Well
it wasn't too bad, but my best friend's life was getting
fucked up and pulled down by his own family, and it sucks
for him, and wherever he goes, i go, so it effected me
too. Well after having a week of seeing my best friend
being hammered down by his family, we came back for new
years. The night where you can find a party everywhere,
right? Not. I had to work till 10:30 then i got off and
met up with some friends and couldn't find a party. Well
we decided that all 10 of us would just chill there and
party for new years by our selves, just us friends,
right? Nah.. i went to the gas station to pick up
something and was going to be back in 5, got back,
everyone but 3 were gone... Didn’t end up finding
anything fun. Oh well, the next day, went to Orlando, had
some fun, but not too much. Still have that empty space
there. Going through Holidays by your self sucks pretty
bad. BUT, it's over... just got to survive the rest of the
winter and I’m good to go.
So, sorry that was soo long and didn't make much sense,
but i kinda had to get a lil something off my chest and
cap off my wonderful holidays. I think i do this every
year... go through a depressed couple of months, and i
don’t know why, but it's not fun. I mean i try hard to
party and have fun. For the last 6 months i decided not
to look for a girlfriend, just have fun, enjoy my friends,
and party it up. But when i just have fun with my
friends, and don't try for any girl, after a couple of
months it gets real boring, and now it's been too long,
and that space is just empty.

Sorry to just change directions in what I’m writing about
so quickly, but i just have different trains going at once.

I HATE having something SOOO close, yet soo far away.
It's in your reach, you think you have it, and for once
things are going your way, it's your turn to receive,
since you have been waiting so long, it's all how you like
it, so comfortable, understanding, alike, and it just
makes since, and seems like it was worth waiting for it,
then.... BAM, nope, just kidding, all that time you
thought it was going your way, and you put your time and
effort toward it, and it seemed perfect, nothing can go
wrong, nope... disappointment.. as usual for me... I don't
know why i thought it was my turn to win, and let that
empty space be filled. This happens to me. No matter
what we are talking about, life, jobs, friends, girls...
I get the short end of the stick. Fuck it, I'm done with
Niceville. Few more months, and I will be living with two
good friends in our house, living how we want, starting
off new. Until then, I’m not letting my guard down.
Because every time i think it's different, i think well
maybe it's different, and then things come down on me.

Well i think I’m done, sorry it was so long, and not too
interesting this time, but now that i know i am going to
do this, i will start having better things to write about.
Peace
Zack
Song of the Day:
#41 By Dave Mathews


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