♥Picture Perfect♥
2004-01-12 00:16:19 (UTC)

Insecurities and Pride

So as I'm sure most of the people reading this know, I have
a major insecurity around whether or not people actually
want anything to do with me or are just tolarating me.
I am constantly being nerurotic about this (to some degree
or another), though it mostly rears it's head when I'm
trying to make myself go interact with people, or deciding
if I'm going to call up friends. Anything where I feel that
if I am not truely wanted I'll be instead intruding on them.

One thing that makes this insecurity really come full force
is when I have a friend where I realize I am the one doing
all the initiating of communication or interaction. Or
worse when I am initiating it and feel like I am getting a

This is where the pride comes in. If I get that distinct
feeling that I am being brushed off, I will immediately
stop initiating anything. I coinstantly feel like my
friends can't possibly want to actually have anything to do
with me, so when I feel like that has been confirmed beyond
a doubt I refuse to continue pushing the issue. Because
then I feel I'm just being pathetic and hopeless.

I refuse to be the only one who ever makes the call, or
sends the email, or asks about hanging out.

I know it's sad and pathetic, and I know it's pointless.
But it's the only thing I have to be proud of, and it's the
only place I have to stand where I feel I actually have
some control.

I always feel deep down inside that I'm not wanted. So I
try as hard as I can to reach out, and hang on to anyone
who shows me kindness and who actually pays attention to
me. But if you can't be bothered to still show me that
kindness, if you can't be bothered to acknowledge my
existance on your own without me forcing it into your face.
Well then I guess I was right, I guess I didn't matter to
you and I'll just stop bothering you and go expend my
energies on people who can be bothered to show me that

(no I'm not saying none of my friends ever communicate with
me unprompted. In fact lots of them do. But the ones where
I feel like I have to remind them of my existance every
time I want to interact with them, that tears me up inside
every time.)