2004-01-11 23:44:10 (UTC)

its so painful when something so close is still so far out of reach...

sad, who loves you more than i do?
i know you lied.
you just waste my time,
i wanted to heal me and then destroy the world,
i wanted to be, be that special girl.

it makes my head spin being there. i hate going there. im
not doing it anymore. even when its the only chance to see
her, im not going. i walk in counting the things that make
me sick and then i have to spend the rest of the time
acting like im fine with it.

drown your fears in alcohol
everybody spills and falls
choke on every dream you ever had.....

i wasnt nice last night. everyone went in to have pizza
and i had already gotten sick and i had makeup all down my
face and i changed my shirt but probably smelled gross
anyway and i dont know what he said but he was just looking
at me all funny and i knew i looked like shit but he was
still like staring at me and it irritated me and i was like
out of nowhere "why do you like me anyway" and he was like
i just do and i was like well thats really irritating when
people say they like me but they dont know me and hes like
i know you well enough and ive liked you since i first saw
you and im like no, no you really dont. and hes like
havent you ever heard of love at first sight? and im like
yes and i dont believe in that stupid shit. and hes like
well im glad i didnt listen to danelle then and i was like
why and hes like she told me i should just grab you and
kiss you and i was like well you shouldnt listen to her.
and hes like im sorry and i was like i really cant deal
with this shit right now and i laid back down.

and i dont even want to see that asshole anymore, he called
me again yesterday and i wasnt very nice to him either, i
have a one track mind and now that thats on the very verge
of being over i cant take that shit anymore either, i
could maybe try to be her friend if i couldnt be anything
else, but i absolutely cant fucking be her friend who sits
by and watches her fuck up her life more and more and do
stupid things and live a passionless, apathetic life having
nothing real to care about. im over it. and when i say im
over it, i mean that i am actually very nearly over it.

richard just asked me to come over and watch a movie. i
was just about to take a shower and go to bed. cus
obviously she isnt going to call me like she said when she
was done with her car its been dark for hours. i'll be
fine. i think i will go over there.

i just need to get out of this town. somewhere there is
someone who will make me happy instead of angry or sad.
but i guess not here.