jen

Too Much to Say
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Ezoic
2004-01-11 07:19:38 (UTC)

kinda lonely

i don't know what this need is inside of me to
constantly be around people. i guess i'm just
your "social
butterfly" type............or something like that. my
roommate hasn't come back to school yet, i've been here
alone for one day and it's already getting to me. maybe
it's the fact that i know something is going on without
me,
and not the fact that i'm by myself. i'm fine being alone
when nothing's going on. i guess.
it's a boy. it's always a boy. my life revolves
around them, and yet i have never had a boyfriend in all
my
(almost) 21 years. how lame is that? i mean, sure, i've
had my share of messing around, but never anything
serious. never anything real. growing up i was never one
of the "pretty girls". i was friendly and fun and
attractive enough i suppose. so my quam was always, oh
i'm
not pretty so guys don't like me. if only they would just
fall in love with my personality. now that i'm older and
better looking i guess (anyone can be attractive now a days)
i'm coming to terms with the fact that, oh my god, maybe
it's me that is so unappealing. maybe it's what's inside
rather than outside that turns them away. men only ever
want a piece of me. never the whole thing. perhaps i'm
just a lot to handle. i always thought i had a good
personality, but maybe it's more like i have a strong
personality. too strong. i think i can be intimidating.
who really knows?
i have so much love built up inside this hopeless
romantic heart of mine and no one to give it to. it's
like i'm so ready to give it away it doesn't matter to whom.
just as long as i can give it to someone. i want to love
again! i thought i was in love once about 3 years ago.
that was the most inspired time in my life. even if my
love was unrequited. it didn't matter because just
feeling something that strong whether reciprocated or not
was enough to complete me. i'd rather have something to
grieve over than to be feeling nothing at all.
i'll close with some lyrics to one of my favorite
songs, Unexpressed: "Sometimes i think my heart will burst
like a balloon inside my chest, with all the love that's
waiting here........unexpressed."


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