just a normal life
2004-01-10 21:20:42 (UTC)

all i need to know is that i'm something you'll be missing

maybe i should hate you for this , never really did ever
quite get that far , maybe i should hate you for this,
never really did ever quite get that

haha okay i like that song... go taking back sunday! woo

But anywayz... Paulo's gone :( he's been gone for a little
while now, a few weeks. I finally got an email back from
him a couple days ago so that was really nice to just hear
from him. Let me tell you though... that night... was bad.
The 22nd.... lol i'll never forget that. It just changed
so many things in one night... i can't even explain
everything that happened... but my friend Erik wrote a
song about it... which describes it perfectly... although
u may not understand it fully if u weren't there.

words no longer existed. static was only that escaped our
lips that cold night. the broken shards lay helpless in
the street. searching for answers. while we were left
searching as well. the tears that slid down our blank
faces will never dry. silence tore through the room, like
a needle into a dieing patients vein. we too had the honor
of being patients this night. silently begging for this
bleeding to end. but the end was bleeding through and
blindly tearing us apart.. and because time was not on the
guest list tonight, you ran up the stairs. closed the
door. and escaped faster than we could ever understand....

... lets jsut say that was a very emotional night for me
lol... I've never lost anyone close to me, and I consider
myself lucky for that! and i know that paulos not gone
forever or anything... but it was really hard for me to
watch someone i care sooo much about and one of the only
people who i feel like comes even close to understanding
me, walk up the stairs and out the door, across the street
to get in the car with brian, who was drunk, because the
only way he knows how to deal with anything anymore is to
get messed up. And this is the guy that's been taking away
time with Paulo and his other friends by gettng him
addicted to cigarettes a couple months before he has to
leave and calls it "bonding"

And then Mary, mandy's mom, starts yelling at us all for
crying and being upset... and she told us that we were
making him leave cuz of all the drama we caused... when no
one was even causing drama before he left... it wasn't
that at all... I dont' think paulo wanted to even be there
that night because the more he was with us the harder it
was... i think he would've rather not had to say goodbye
to anyone and just made a clean break ya know?

But anywayz the first time she started yelling at us i was
jus tlike oh wow i'm not even going to stand here and take
this... and she was'nt like yelling directly at me so i
just walked away and went downstairs andi was like ooh my
gosh i cannot believe this! How can she be yelling at us
for being upset that this person that has become such a
huge part of our life and has been friends with us for
almost as long as we've all been friends has just walked
out and left our lives and we don't even know when or if
we'll get to see him ever again!
and then she came downstairs and started yelling at us
again and this time i felt like she was yeling right at me
and i just wanted her to stop yelling so i was just like
like that

lol i don't even really remember what i said... and imean
i don't doubt at all that she's gone though something
similar and that she's lost someone close to her, in fact
iknew she had, the truth is that i justwan'st really
thinking at that time.. i just wanted her to stop yelling,
i just wanted one night where i could cry openly about
it... and after that i knew i'd have to get on with my
life and deal with it and not make a big deal about it ya
know? but at that moment i just wasn't going to put up
with her yelling at a bunch of crying teenagers. and the
thing is that i don't yell at people... lol i very rarely
yell at anyone or even get mad at them! Its just not
something I do... i'm usually pretty slow to anger... but
man... i just wanted her to stop yelling!

So bottom line is that she pretty much dislikes me a lot
now lol and i'm scared to cal mandy's house now... and
we're like best friends ya know. And at one time they wre
like a second family to me ya know! I spent like 30 hours
in a car with them on the way to and from south
carolina... not to mention the week that i was there with
them. and the countless other times i've spent with
them... and now i feel like im not even welcome in their

It really quite sucks... and before i even left i told
mandy to tell her mom i was sorry for blowing up at her...
but i dont think it matters... i mean honestly i was mad
at Mary for probly about an hour or more... which is a
long time for me... it was like i didn't even want to
forgive her! but then i realized eventually that i needed
to and im sure she wasn't trying to make us feel like
crap... maybe she was jsut as wrapped up in the moment as
i was... i dont know.. but im just an emotional person
honestly lol... i think i get it from my mom cuz when i
told her abut the night she started crying lol. I just cry
easily... its not like i'm depressed or gonna kill
myself... but sometimes i cry lol.
But anywho i wish mandy's mom would be as easy to forgive
me... but who knows when that will happen honestly, i
don't know.

Alright I guess thats enough of that for now cuz this has
gotten pretty long and what not so bye!!!

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