Self harming dyke
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2004-01-09 22:48:47 (UTC)


Well I survived week 1 of the placement. Actually, no I did
more than that. I did really well. Got feedback from
teachers and they said I was excellent, have great rapport
with pupils, good pace, good planning and that I am doing
really well. I am so pleased! I love my classes - the kids
are fun and enthusiastic and I really enjoy teaching.

I am seeing the psychotherapist on Tuesday and I am going
to tell her I want to apply for the Therapeutic Community.
I reckon after Christmas and New Year, I need this. I need
some serious time out and I need to sort my si and low self-
esteem out before I start teaching properly.

I have not cut for 9 days.

I did binge last night and I am very much overweight - I
have put on half a stone over the past few months and I am
really getting gross. I am nowhere near where I was 2 years
ago, when I started this diary, but I worry that will get
there again. The Atkins diet didn't suit me at all - after
3 days I had put on 4 pounds and felt disgusting and vile
and missed alcohol. I am drinking tonight, cos I have no
lessons tomorrow!!! Harrah! Lie in...

The cutting issue - I may not be cutting, but I am picking.
The (rather big) scar from Christmas Eve is healing OK, but
my wrist (from New Year) is still very pickable. I have
left one stitch in and am doing the moving it around thing
(where I pull it backwards and forwards). I also love to
pick the scab. YUK! But it is so tempting and I enjoy it.
What worries me is that I can go without cutting while I
can pick scars/scabs, but once it has healed I will want
something else...


S, the psycho on my group, is still there. The moderators
are trying to kick her off, but they have been 9 days
composing the email and she is still there and is chatting
away like nothing happened. Fucking hell. She also hinted
at that she feels low because of what happened on the
group, her way of blaming me for her depression. So unfair.

This is the email that the moderators are going to send to

Dear (S)
The events of the last week have left us facing quite a few
very difficult dilemmas, as you might understand.
After a great deal of thought and careful consideration, we
have decided that your remaining a member of (group name)
is perhaps not a good thing at this time, either for you or
for the group as a whole.

As you are aware, two members have left and several others
currently are considering their membership, due to their
fears that the group has become an unsafe place for them.

We know you will be upset to hear that several people have
contacted the moderators and stated that they have become
afraid because of some of the posts you made when you were
reacting to a member's overdose (that'll be me...) also
because of communications exchanged off the group.
This, however, is a fact and we feel that the safety of the
group as a whole must be weighed against the support it can
offer to individual members.

We feel that, as a result of recent events, leaving the
group would be the best option, even though this may be

Of course, we recognise that you have offered a large
ammount of support to others which we know they have
appreciated and they have offered the same to you and hope
that, of course, this may continue to be the case for you
with those who you have become especially close to.

Perhaps a fresh start with another support group would also
We do wish you well and are sorry that we feel we have
little option but to take this action.
Best wishes
(moderators' names)

Glad that they want to tell her this, but hurt that she is
still there and also that it took her upsetting others for
her to be asked to leave. I just hope she does because I
can't post while she is there. I am going to leave. I set
up another email addy and joined under that a few weeks ago
so I will still have access to the messages. This is sneaky
and dishonest, but I really feel that I need to be able to
stay in some kind of touch with what is going on. I just
have to leave. I don't want them to know that I am leaving
as a statement and I don't want her to think she has beaten
me in some way through her constant bullying...


I dunno, just wanna have the group i used to have. The safe
and friendly place it was before S joined.

Sorry for bitchy, upset entry.

Hope you are OK. Anyone still reading? I love feedback!

Cat x

"Tous les gens qui passent autour de moi, dans la vie.
Les gens qui courrent, qui marche au pas, ou vont-ils?"

*Axel Red*
Je t'attends

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