there is no future, there is no past..
well we may as well have just gone out because now im going
to be fucking dead tomorrow anyway.
i tore apart my whole black cabinet of notes and journals
and shit. and i came across all kinds of shit that i
havent looked at in awhile. like journals from a long time
ago i used to be so ghetto, i forgot that whole time. all
yo i smoked some good shit with my boys last night yo,
hahahaha its so retarded. but other stuf like me and
carolines first conversation online. i remember the first
time i spent the night there, way before anything. we
watched fight club and i slept on the pull out mattress
thing and she made fun of me for twitching. the next time
was after that party when i made out with tammy and i slept
with her but we didnt do anything. the next time was at my
house and i had school in the morning and didnt sleep one
minute all night and she freaked out when i kissed her.
and....... i think i got off topic.
anyway there were all these notes from richard and i found
all the ones from her and looking back it is so clear why
things got fucked up but it also makes me confused.
because when i remember, i think, oh yeah, she loved me so
much. but then when i read stuf, it didnt seem like it.
and i was just sitting here thinking what a complete
fucking nut i am. i was going weird for a moment or two, i
was like dawn, they should study me im completely nuts. i
dont even know whats real and not you know. and i was such
an insane bitch at that time, i was so bad. and neither of
us had any communication skills whatsoever, i mean, i read
it and its like i would get my feelings hurt and not tell
her and then get angry about it and not tell her and then
get mad at her about something else because i was still
hurt about something before. and she just didnt fucking
tell me anything. its so sad how my memory is fucked up,
its like when ashley always says "remember this, remember
that" and i never do. but i remember a lot of things, but
then no one else does or they say it wasnt really like
that, i dont know this is upsetting me again just thinking
so i was like no im not doing this and put it all away.
and then my phone rang and i was like who the fuck is that
i dont want to talk to them and i didnt know the number but
it was richard.. which was really weird timing again for
the second time. so we actually talked for about two hours
and its funny cus at first it was weird hearing his voice
after such a long time but hes the kind of person who just
goes into talking about whatever and its not weird
anymore. but the whole idea is kinda weird. i was going
to see if he wanted to go to rocky with us tomorrow night
but i decided not to. he wanted to do something when he
got off work but it was really late and im so tired.
i dont like being in her house. its like her car but
worse. but i love her dog. and i love her. so i do it
anyway even though it makes me uncomfortable and weird.
he hasnt called me since monday. i kinda like it but i
dont like the feeling that ive lost control. i tried to
have the talk with him so that i could be in control but
still get the point across and he wouldnt do it. so i
guess this is the only way, and any way pretty much works
for me at this point.
if i had a normal job and not one that i love, i would call
in tomorrow. my mom is and i need some time to myself or
something. tomorrow night is dawn and sebastien's, sunday
is caroline!, and i know theres something saturday im not
remembering. i wish she was here every day. but
especially at night.
i feel really really weird right now.