Me and More
2004-01-09 03:20:54 (UTC)

Shit and more....

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s been 4 months now since my dad died. Things have
not gotten better, financially or mental with me. I’m
severally depressed and suicidal. I’m now on two anti
depressants and one anti psychotic. I don’t seem to be
getting any better. I just want to die most of the time. I
tried killing myself twice already. I drank myself into a
drunken state of hysteria. If Brandon weren’t there to stop
me, I would have killed myself both times. And things with
Brandon and me aren’t helping much. He’s not really doing
anything, it’s all me. I am so afraid that he is going to
hurt me again or that his ex will come back into the
picture. I don’t know, I love him so much, but I can’t be
hurt again. I have a lot to figure out in my head. I don’t
know. I see a psychiatrist on Friday, tomorrow. And my
Therapist on the 22nd. I want to get better. I just stopped
popping pills. I was popping painkillers just for the hell
of it. I lied to Brandon and my mom about it. I feel so bad
for lying to them. I need to earn back their trust. I’m
working so hard at it. I promised I wouldn’t lie and I
couldn’t keep that promise. Makes me feel horrible. I’ve
lost interest in a lot of things. Like, I don’t want to
work on my car, go out with friends, or even get on the pc
anymore. Things are hard for me. Like I’m struggling with
three people within me, all pulling me in different
directions. My mind is in a constant whirlwind of thoughts.
Some good, but most bad. Today was the first day, in a long
time that I was truly happy. I don’t know. I can’t seem to
make out what’s up or what’s fucking down any more. I just
want all this pain to stop. I want the nightmares to go
away, I want to stop being so damn depressed. I want to but
I’m scared and at the same time, I don’t want to. I don’t
know anymore. I just don’t know. I guess I’m doomed to be
depressed forever. I think I have figured out part of my
problem. I haven’t buried dad, he’s sitting on my mantel. I
think the only way for me to get closure with his death is
to take him up to TN, and bury him. I’m trying to work a
trip out but we have no money. Things have gotten so hard.
And on top of that, I’m guilt ridden. I feel like a
horrible person for what I did. I could have really hurt
myself taking those pills, and not to mention I lost the
one-person trust who means the most to me. I don’t know. I
just don’t know. I guess now I’m just rambling. So, I’m
going to stop here. I’ll write more when I feel like it.