2004-01-09 02:11:23 (UTC)

when im the girl that you want, i will be waiting right here.

im so different and so the same..

One YEAR ago.

"but i dont work the same days as caroline anymore which is
probably a good thing cus that was really driving me
insane. like i always do - just get away from it."


Two years ago.

"i feel like shits fucking up with her...i hate diana and i
hate matt and i hate everyone fucking up my chance at a
happy existance."

"i hate that im crazy
i hate that im jealous
i hate that i cry myself to sleep every night that shes not
i hate that im becoming dependent on someone that doesnt
want to be that dependable
i hate that im so different and incompatible to her
i hate that im too smart to be doing drugs now
i hate that i care so much and
i hate that i let things go this far
i hate that i go crazy and
i hate that i carry things around with me and
i hate that ive lost everyone because of how i am and
i hate that i cant change
i hate that i let people hurt me
i hate that she has no idea in the world how i feel"


should it be this hard to maintain composure and outward
appearance of sanity?

if i were smart i would start planning to leave in 6
months. shes not going to do it. i knew that before i
said anything. and ive done all i can do honestly and if
she doesnt make the right choice, there is some reason for
it. and i love her and i want whats best for her and i
want to be with her and i think in spite of what everyone
says it could work now in ways it didnt before but. what
the fuck do i know.

oh lord have mercy on my soul im too tired. im not going
out!!!!! dawns coming over and she thinks i am but im NOT
i cant im already beat and i have to be at work so early
and out late tomorrow night no no no.