Stephanie

Giving In
2004-01-09 00:57:11 (UTC)

School

Ok first day is over and done with...yay! I made it! And
managed to not fry my one and only functioning brain cell.
Now I'm sitting here in the library. Just finished reading
off another chapter of my bio book...muahaha...advantage :D
Other than that not much to report.

Basically feeling a little down. Maybe I'm PMSing, who
knows. That would explain the many nervous break downs I've
been having at work and my overall edgyness during the day
and my uncontrolable depression rollercoaster rides during
the night. I need a life. Damnit. I don't know. Too much
and not enough going on at the same time. I'm lost. I don't
know where I am or where I'm going. Wish Emme was here.
She'd know just what to say to get me to slap myself in the
face and go "yeah you do." I miss her terribly. I haven't
heard from her since she left. Kind of hurts losing your
best friend...even if it is temporary.

She used to tell me "Steph...You and Trista are exactly
alike. You two cannot go on for long periods of time w/o
being in a relationship of some sort. Whether it has
meaning or not you two need someone there and it's
pathetic. Both of you need to learn that you don't need
anyone but yourself to make you happy."

Maybe I should listen. I never have before. I always ignore
her advice and realize later that she had reason. I should
just sit and wait. The question is....do I have the same
amount of patience I used to? I don't know. It's
scary....Ever since I broke up with Kim, I've noticed
changes in myself. Changes that I don't like.
The slightest thing that annoys me puts me in a bad mood. I
used to be able to withhold long periods of time by
ignoring it. But kim was a constant annoyance that just
made me exoplode constantly and that trait seems to have
stuck.

It used to be 3 for you 1 for me. Always. Till that was
taken advantage of. I'm wary of people now. I've become
more and more selfish and uncaring of other peoples needs
and feelings. No one matters but my self....I don't like
this feeling at all.

I've become careless when it comes to things that are
important. If i have something of value I unintentionally
treat it like shit then later I wonder why I don't have it
anymore.

It's like the Linkin Park song "Instead of setting it free
I took all I hated and made it a part of me....I've let
myself become you." I don't want to be anything like Kim. I
don't want to say the same things she says. Have the same
tastes she has, do what she does. I want nothing to do with
the woman..let alone start acting like her.

I need help. I need...someone. Kind, caring, loving.
Someone completely opposite Kim to make me who I was
before. To make me go back to being the person I am. Me.
Stephanie Lindsey Aragon Plate Figueroa. Me.




Ad: