blkdragon

grounded
2004-01-08 02:16:40 (UTC)

E pluribus unum

When I was alone and not thinking of being with anyone,
I'd just gotten out of a 21 yr relationship with the
Mother of my sons, I was emotionally ok. I had women
checking me out, but I wasn't ready to relate to anyone,
my focus was on my sons and I didn't want them to believe
that they'd ever be second place in my world.
As my sons got older, I realized that I was focusing so
hard on them that it began to wear our relationships thin,
my oldest kept pushing me to meet women and I told him
that I'd do that when I was ready, when we were ready.
There were plenty of women at the rink showing an
interest, I don't relate there, I go there to be with
myself; in a crowd. I began meeting women online and
developing interests, even had a couple of the women come
to my house, one of them invited me on several dates and I
had good times with them; there was nothing about either
of them that suggested a love(true)interest or committment.
Our relationship was based on a mutual attraction and
converged with sex, that's where it ended!
Kim was exciting and I can honestly say that I loved her,
but the relationship was wrong for many reasons, the most
important was the issue of trust and that got lost in the
early stages. Kim and I only related online and the time
constraints tired me. Kim was younger than my eldest son,
a fact she tried to hide it seemed.
Trish was amazing, I still think of her with reverence and
pain, I miss her! Trish and I would talk on the phone for
hours and hours, then she'd send me to bed.
Sarah and I would talk about any of a number of things and
got very close. I think Sarah finds comfort in sex and her
control of the proceedings, she believed that she was
falling in love with me, she was learning how to love
herself. Our relationship was about sex from the start and
it never passed the oral stage, I think that bothered her,
she expected more and I wasn't comfortable with that. She
spent the week-end with me and it was not the most
comfortable time for either of us, I tried. Sarah asked if
I could engage in an intimate relationship with her, even
if I married Nadean, I told her no!
Pat was trying to find herself as well, she began the
journey with the hope of intimacy, though another came
before her; she believed that we would be more than
friends if she told me how she felt about me. Our
conversations were erotically charged and our relationship
never got past the eroticism, there was no kinship, no
true emotional bond. We still talk, from time to time,
Sarah/Pat and I. Pat knew how I felt about Kim, when Kim
and I were through, Pat believed that I'd transfer those
feelings to her; it doesn't work that way for me.
Nadean and I stay away from conversations of a sexual
nature, we may alude to certain things and hope for
intimacy, but we guard ourselves and concentrate on the
important issues. I paint scenes of intimacy with my words
and she gets to read them, she keeps every one, I'll have
no trouble living up to the images I've created. We relate
from the mind and the heart, the love/sex will be the
bonus, I told Nadean we wouldn't engage in casual sex;
nothing about my relationship with Nadean is or will be
casual.
This brings me to the point at hand, my relationship with
Nadean is driving me out of my mind, there is a longing I
can't begin to describe and I don't believe the
culmination of our intimacy will douse the flames. My life
was easier to navigate without the singe of love and I'm
hoping I don't get scorched, but what's a life without
risk.
Life is tough, I'm tougher!
E pluribus unum!
Si vi pacem para bellum!




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