some guy

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2004-01-08 01:30:08 (UTC)

The email I wanted to send...

Hey

How did it go withthe consultant?? Good news I hope...
How's everything apart from that?? You get your holiday
sorted??
I didn't really want to write this mail cos when I got to
see you the other day you seemed happy, and even pleased to
see me, and for the first time in about 5 months I actually
felt happy.. Like properly happy, not just smiley n like...
But I'm feeling really messed up at the momnet... Totally
depressed and I can't be arsed to do anything, and I think
one of the main reasons is the house... I can't afford to
keep paying for you to live there whilst my life turns to
shit... There's things I want to do but I can't do them
because they take money, and at the moment all my spare
cash goes to paying for the house, and for you to live
there... I'm having real trouble getting a job and my
savings are almost gone... I know it's not your fault that
it hasn't been sold but it feels like I'm being punished
for something you did... You dumped me for someone else,
yet I'm the one who's stuck back at his parents still
paying for the house I don't get to go near, for the girl I
love to live in and I hardly ever get to see you... Once in
5 months is torture, after seeing you every day for the
past four years... I can't handle it... I don't know what I
did that was so bad that this is what I have to deal
with... I know there's lots of people who have it a lot
worse but the way you feel is all relative isn't it... We
had it made, but you always wanted that little bit more,
and now you've got it... You can have your friends over
whenever you want, your boyfriend round whever, in our bed
no doubt, you've got everything that we used to have, and
I'm got nothing... I don't know why I'm the one that has to
pay the price for your happiness...
I always wanted for you to be happy, but this is killing
me... I think right now that would be the bedt thing all
round... You'd get the house andI wouldn't have to feel
like this any more... It's a really horrible way to feel...
Every little thing feels like a ton being dropped on me...
The worst part is that I'm forgetting how all the good
things felt... How it felt to be with you... How it felt to
hold you close... The way I felt inside when we kissed, or
when you held me... I can't remember how your skin felt or
how your eyes looked... I can't remember how it feels to be
happy, or to be loved... The only thing I can feel is how
much I hate myself, and I don't have anyone to talk to any
more...
Your mother told me I should start looking after number 1
this year... Easy for her to say isn't it.. I'm sure it
made her feel a whole lot better saying stuff like that -
sort of clears the concience n all... But in reality, if I
start to do that you'd have to move out of the house right
away, I'd become the worlds biggest asshole, and that's
just not me... And would that make me feel any better??
Maybe for a bit... Maybe if you had some idea of how hard
life had become for me, that maybe I would feel a little
better, but not over all... I'd feel like shit if you were
unhappy, the only concelation for me would be that I'm sure
it would piss off Andy, and probably Sam as well... I doubt
the spongers would like it if they had nowhere to soak up
from... But as it is I wouldn't do that, and you know I
wouldn't, and that's what makes me suck a fucking sap... No
wonder you left really...
It's so stupid... The other day when I came round it just
felt like nothing had changed.. We both sat there and
chatted and stuff, and it just felt like normal again... I
just wish everything felt normal all the time, rather than
fucked up all the time..
I hate telling you stuff like this because it makes me feel
bad... I keep thinking it's going to make you feel bad, and
I don't want that, but I don't know how you feel any
more... I think it would be easier if I knew you hated my
guts and I hated you back.. That way I wouldn't be thinking
about you all the time... I just realised the other day
that I actually am thinking about you all the time.. I was
just driving along and realised you were the only thought
in my head (possibly not good whilst driving, but there ya
go)... I wish I could show you how much I love you again...
I think you deserve to be loved like that, but I klnow it's
not what you want, so not a lot I can do... I really am
trying to move on but it's so hard to get rid of feelings
like that, I can't just switch them off, and even after so
long they're stronger than ever... Maybe it's because I
don't see any of the bad stuff now, I'm only remembering
the good, which makes you seem like this totally perfect
person, and the time we were together seems like total
bliss (not that it wasn't, I just mean that I don't think
of any bad times - although I don't think there were that
maybe, were there??)... Maybe I just shouldn't be such a
fucking idiot... I have another date tonight (although you
probably don't care to know that - I konw I wouldn't) so
hopefully things will turn out right after all... I really
want things to get better soon, that way I could feel like
maybe we could be friends - proper friends, I mean, and do
stuff without haviong anything between us... I really would
like that, but I guess it's a rare thing for people who
have been together like we were to go back to just
friends... Maybe once the house is sold, and I'm back on my
feet...
Well, I'm sorry for going on, I bet youre just pissed off
at me now, wishing you'd never got into this... I'll leave
you to it...
Take care

dan


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