polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-01-06 22:14:37 (UTC)

holy frosbite batman!!!!!

hmm...so i was reading some of my entries and laughing at
my poor confused soul. i pity myself sometimes. oy.

i was going over a few things and at first i wanted
to kick myself because well..i'm a loser...but i dunno i'm
trying to, i guess, warm up to myself again. i'm trying to
reintroduce me to myself (does that makes sense?). i'm like
the new kid in my life. i'm a little nervous about meeting
the rest of me, seeing if i'll like myself and being a bit
skeptical of the situations. but once i get my toe in the
water, just to see if the temperature is okay, then maybe i
can get my feet wet and later dive right in. it's going to
take a while.

i was also reading frail's diary (my roadmap) and she's got
a disorder too so i guess i can understand it, but she's
like 130lbs. and thinks she's fat! my 14 year old boyfriend
weighs more than she does! and she's almost 25! (he calls
himself fat too, but i beg to differ) i'm like 93
pounds...i keep losing weight then gaining it back then
losing more. it's not good. i feel fat all time, squat,
like short and fat. and i see my stomache and it pokes out
and it bothers me and i just god want it to go away. then
today i had my hands on my hips and there was all this flab
hanging over my jeans. and i wanted to cry. but i was
having too much fun slipping and sliding all over the gym
floor, i was preoccupied from running with sliding all over
the place. people laughed at me but i payed no attention as
i laughed my own face red.

it was oh so amusing to me.

anyway, i started reading this book today, life in the fat
lane. it's good so far, the 5 pages i've read. shelle let
me borrow it and i let her borrow my define normal book. i
wanted to get life in the fat lane and another book on
eating disorders but i didn't want shelle to freak out.
anyway, it's good and it's making me think about stuff. i
dunno.

i am determined to get back into shape. i did some running
today and it felt good but it hurt. it usually hurts but
that's just tightening in my lungs, it really really hurt
this time. i don't know what it is but it's scary. my body
isn't used to me putting on so much physical strain, but
i'm working really hard on getting back into shape and i
have a plan that will probably kill me but i'll look damn
fine in my casket. i can't diet, when i was anorexic i lost
weight so fast, it took two days to lose 5 pounds. it takes
some people two weeks to do that. i felt healthy, but i
wasn't.

anyway, i can't go on a diet because i'll seriously hurt
myself. what may start out as a simple healthy diet may
snowball into an obsession with weight loss and i'll never
be satisfied until i look like a skeleton. ANYWAY, i can't
diet so i have to find other ways to be healthy. i need to
stick with healthy foods and stay away from fast food and
grease, it's gonna clog my already struggling heart and
then where would i be. how can i move to my apartment in
new york when i'm underground? it just won't work. i have
to run too. as much as it hurts me, i have to get my body
used to work and running. it'll take a few weeks/months for
me to finally loosen up and get with the program but with
enough motive and determination i might actually be able to
pull it off. if i give myself one day out of the week to
eat pizza and mcdonalds and whatnot, i might do pretty
well. the problem is there is NO food here, i'll have to go
on a grocery run to get actual food so i don't resort to
mcdonalds or papa johns.

as much as i reeeeeally don't want to run in this cold
weather, i'm gonna have to suck it up, put on some sweats,
and hit the outdoors because, christ! people my age
shouldn't be this out of shape. my soccer is really
screwing things up. i'm complaining SO much and i just
cannot run laps at the end of practice, my lungs are so
tight and my vision blurs and for the life of me i just
cannot keep my legs moving. i got medicine for it but it
doesn't seem like it's working. i'm looking for quick
results and i'm not finding them. it's aggrivating.

on top of things i just got back to school today after the
much anticipated and appreciated two week vacay. it was
heavenly, christmas was awesome i got some wicked cool
things(i.e. the guitar i wanted!!!!!!!)and new years was
super fun too (i spent it with alex, 'nuff said) then i
hung out with girlfriends and went shopping and did the
much needed girl time thing. it was so so awesome. i need
to do it again! school was okay but i'm already getting
stressed out about finals and ugh it's only been a day. and
burrrrrrr it's FUH REEZING OUTSIDE! it went from uber hot
nasty sweaty saturday soccer practice to fuh fuh fuh
fucking cold bus stop. it's not like oh you'll bring a
sweater and warm up later on. no. it's like HOLY FROSTBITE
BATMAN! i'm ready to snap my hair off.

i want to get a good bit of this book done then maybe some
running before choir. i get to skip soccer tonight!
sometimes i love my choir, like the 6:30 to 7:30 practices
on tuesdays. other times i hate our saturday 9:00 to 1:00
practices, which is why the rare feeling of love for my
soccer team has come into play, i have a game at nine on
saturday so i get to skip two hours of choir.

yawn

i need a nap too


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