LoveGod

Different Worlds
2004-01-05 06:00:01 (UTC)

it's official

I've been home too long. I'm getting depressed and
emotional, and yes, those are two very different things.
I haven't talked to Matt today, and that doesn't help. It
doesn't rile up all my insecurities like it used to, but
it doesn't make me feel good not to hear from him. I know
it's nuts trying to get ready to go back to school, but he
could at least leave me a voice mail or email me or
something. I'm not asking much...just a token, really, a
trifle. (Bonus points for naming the movie!) I've gotten
comfortable being here, being a bum, doing nothing, and
having Matt 10 minutes away. I'm ready to go back to
working like mad, fending for myself, and having to make
an hour long trek to see my honey. And I'm looking
forward to meeting my new roomies. :) This is going to
be a good semester. Good times ahead. Nutty with tons of
studying, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't
believe that Matt and I have been together for around a
year now. It's so weird how my sense of time is so warped
when it comes to our relationship. But that is another
story for another time. I'm really just rambling at this
point because I don't really want to go to bed, I'm hoping
he'll email me, and, for some reason, I'm avoiding quiet
time. I haven't been spending a lot of time with God
lately, and I really want to get back on track with that.
Focusing on God is what got me to this point, and it is
sooooooo good. Why would I give that up? Hmmm...don't
think I will. On an unrelated note, I don't understand
why it's January and 80 degrees outside. I mean dang,
it's not supposed to be frigid 'round these parts but
geez!!! Okay, that's my useless weather rant for the
day. I want a hug. Hmmm...it made me smile when I
realized that I just wrote that I want a hug rather than I
need a hug. Interesting...

Ah, what the heck...new paragraph. I've been thinking
about Adam off and on lately, and I'm not really sure
why. Well, it started when I had that dream about him,
but it's lingered too long for it to just be that. It
astonishes me how I cannot for the life of me remember how
I felt with him. Well, that's not entirely true. I can
remember how I felt during some of the bad times, but I
can't remember how the good times felt. And there were
good times. I keep feeling like there's something
unresolved there, but I don't have a clue as to what it
is. Hmmm...something to think about, something to ask God
about.

Ah well, life goes on. I feel like crying, but I won't.
At least, I don't think I will. I need to start thinking
about what I'm going to do this summer. I know I can't
stay here and do nothing for another whole summer. I've
got to start studying for my GRE (ickiness) and do more
resume padding. I kind of want to stay at school and do
that research program so I can work on my honors thesis
stuff, but I kind of want to go somewhere else just for
the sake of broadening my experience if nothing else.
I've thought about applying for the undergrad research
programs at Chapel Hill and Duke, but I'm not sure I'd
want to do undergrad work somewhere I may want to go for
grad school. And I don't want to be too far from Matt
either. Of course, it's conceivable, although unlikely
that we could be married by then. Wow...that was bizarre
to write. Okay, it is theoretically conceivable, although
practically, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense and I
don't think we're really at that point and I don't know if
either one of us is really ready for that. Something
about that boy makes me write run on sentences like a mad
woman. But anyway, he's made totally innocuous comments
that sort of suggested to me that that was a possibility,
but maybe I'm overanalyzing. And even if I'm not, why not
wait until we graduate? Are we ready for that kind of
commitment? Is that what would be best? Is that what God
wants for us? I mean, in my imagination, it's all perfect
and wonderful whenever I imagine it happening, but any
time I try to imagine us getting married at a certain
time...be it this summer, next summer, ten years from
now...I feel like it's too soon. Well, not so much that
it's too soon as much as I feel like a little kid. I
don't feel so much like a grown up when I start thinking
about getting married and having kids. And then I
think, "Why rush things?" But then that thought gets
tackled by the thought of how wonderful it would be to
come home to him every night and wake up to him every
morning. I always thought that when I was seriously
thinking about getting married that sex would be a big
part of it, but it's really not. I mean, it's there and
it's part of the picture, but it's not the big thing. My
thought process isn't "I want us to get married so we can
have sex." It's "I want us to get married so we can be
together." I honestly can't believe I'm sitting here
writing about this. It's really bizarre. How did I get
here? How did we get here? This is so cliche, but I've
never felt this way about anyone. Things are just
different with Matt. I always thought Adam would make a
great dad, but I never really pictured him as the father
of my children. Never really wanted to. But the other
night Matt and I were talking about getting old and
sitting on the front porch in our rocking chairs.

Okay, how's that for an unplanned vent? I thought I had
everything under control, but I think there's a lot of
stuff sort of bubbling right under the surface. Which is
a sign that I need to be spending some serious, well
focused time with God. And this week, I have time on my
hands. I want to start this semester off on a good foot,
so I'm going to build it on the rock! :-P I'm not sure
that made any sense, but it made perfect sense in my
head. Hmmm...now that's something novel! ;) Haley's
going back to school Tuesday, Matt's going back to Athens
Tuesday or Wednesday, and that leaves me home alone with
nothing to do. Okay, that's a huge understatement...I
need to practice and study Arabic and start packing and
visit Nanny and cook and clean and all that good stuff.
But I have free time--alone, uninterrupted, unmolested
time--that I can spend focusing on my relationship with
God. Sounds like a winning plan to me! Wheeeeeee!!!




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