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2004-01-05 05:13:01 (UTC)

all that was there will be there still..

today went by fast. i got up early and tried to find a
bed. i didnt.

then sebastien and i went to the mall with a couple of his
friends which made me sad cus they're a really cute couple
and that doesnt help. we waxed our eyebrows. thats

and we went to see her of course. i felt funny there
tonight. i was uncomfortable. like sometimes i feel
stupid. i mean, i think its past the point of being called
impatient but im not getting anywhere. and i know everyone
thinks im stupid for it. maybe its just cus we stayed too
long i dont know but i just felt strange for some reason.

and i dont know what im going to do in june. i dont know
where i want to go now. i think if nothings changed by
then, i have to leave.

matt called tonight while i was at the pool hall and
sebastien said he's not going to help me until i stop
talking to him. and i said if you can help me, i'll stop
right now. but he cant, theres nothing anyone can do but
her. and i can try and i can lay in bed every night and
think about it and i can whatever tell her how i feel and
get nothing and feel stupid every day but its not helping.
i mean sebastien had a good point. but i would and i could
and i know i could.

and i dont know what im going to do about this operation. i
mean i know im not going to have it. but i dont know what
im going to do instead and im worried about why they didnt
tell me and im worried a lot about that, a lot.

i know i have to focus on school and work and saving some
money and myself. but its so hard when shes all i think
about and then i try to keep the thought out of my mind
that shes sitting there with her every day and night and
how i know -i- would be doing whatever it took to make
things not so hard on her if it was me, but its not me and
it could have been and i try to remember that at least that
part was her decision. but i just get angry and then i get
sad and im so fucking sick of thinking about it i could
just scream.

i have to go to bed. at least i'll see her tomorrow for a
minute. but maybe thats not a good idea anymore. i dont
know, i always think that once in awhile but then i cant do
it. i think it would be fair if she would just talk to
me. i mean. tell me to stop fucking wasting my time. i
dont even care about wasting my time i care about not ever
getting anywhere and i care about waiting for something if
its not going to happen. i guess i just dont entirely
believe that its just the money. i know shes not in love
with her but then i dont understand. i really dont at all

i'm sorry for all the cold-hearted things that I have done
i'm sorry by now at least once to just about everyone...