lindsay ann

the saga continues...

apparently, life goes on. it's hard going back to the way things
were...in a lot of ways, it's good, because i'm not torn apart by
wanting to spend time with different sets of people...and worrying
about if what i'm doing is right and if our hearts are in the right
place and if our hands are in the right places...haha no just
kidding. but honestly, there are a lot less little things to stress
about, i suppose...and we're not dragging each other away from
God anymore...or complicating things more than we should be.
recently, things had just been getting too much to deal with, and it
was frustrating trying to love this person in the right ways when i
don't love God in the right ways...and the last few weeks have just
knocked my socks off...i guess you sometimes forget how much
you need God, and then all of a sudden, you realize you'd be dead
without him. it sounds so so corny, but i seriously am not fulfilled
when i'm not spending time with my maker...i still wish i could
spend like ten hours a day with God, but i lack a little discipline.
just a little.

it could take me ten years just to get my head on straight...just to
begin to devote as much time to Jesus as i should. i've just been
so overwhelmed lately...in a subtle way, if that makes sense. i
guess i tend to have these big "ah-ha!" moments that turn me in the
opposite direction and fix me for awhile...but the past few months
have just been slow pushes from God to get me back where i
belong. it's not like i feel guilted into doing my "Christian duties" or
anything...sometimes i've felt like that...sometimes i even get that
sense from the kind of preaching/teaching around...but it's not
guilt...it's just this realization that i have the opportunity to be in
love with the creator of the universe...it sounds so hideous but it's
so so beautiful and i've seriously been knocked on my butt by the
whole idea lately...i cried in my biola interview just explaining the
crucifixion...

anyway, this is so so long...and it could be ten pages longer. i
don't know what is going on inside me...everything is just being
torn apart and fixed and i'm so so satisfied with the work my Jesus
is doing. it's not even like i'm stoked...cuz a lot of it sucks...but i'm
just content to be experiencing this fatty makeover..

i guess i'll make the sob story its own entry...because while it is
connected in some ways to this buddy, it's kind of a separate
avenue...haha stay tuned for my "sad little things i really miss right
now" entry...