2004-01-04 05:55:24 (UTC)

im in love. and always will be.

sometimes it just kills me.

i mean. i know that for months now shes been on my mind
more than anyone or anything else. but sometimes its
harder than others. and even for just a couple minutes
something about her was like glowing tonight and i just
wanted to. kidnap her. forever.

anyway. i went shopping with claudia today and it was
really nice. i bought a dress-shirt-thing. its jammies.
haha i didnt know that im guna wear it with jeans. it has
a pink kitty. i probably will never wear it in my life.
but its really soft.

at one point we were in the car and we were laughing at
people, this girl eating a fish sandwich like she hadnt
eaten for years and then this tiny girl in a huge truck.
and it felt just like it did a long time ago. and i
thought for a minute, i could do it if i had her around
more. which sounds wrong but i couldnt have made it
through a lot of shit without her. and maybe thats why i
stay in situations because i know i cant do some things
alone yet.

then i took a nap. then i went to see erika and jay with
dickhead.. i only went because. when i talked to him the
other day, im trying to be really nice about it. i told
him we're like best friends that dont have anything in
common anymore, we dont like the same things... and he said
if you dont want to see me anymore why wont you just tell
me, and his feelings were hurt. but i said. you know, its
really hard for me to say that but i think thats what im
saying. i mean, i dont think im ready to just never see
him again, when i have so little else. he is a part of my
life and he has been for a long time. but it needs to not
be so much and not be in this context. i dont want to be
with him. but i dont want to be alone.

but anyway i told him im fucking sick of always just seeing
movies and never doing anything exciting or fun or
different, he never wants to drink, he never wants to go
out or do anything but see movies and im so over it. so
when he called i was like "i have plans tonight so i dont
have time to just go watch a fucking movie." and then he
called me back 15 minutes later and said that erica and jay
said we could come watch fireworks with them from their
hotel room. so i was like. maybe hes trying a little bit
and i like them and we never see them anymore cus the last
few times the fat bitch had to tag along like all of a
sudden shes part of that family fuck her that makes me so
mad. so whatever. i felt kind of bad leaving so fast but
i wanted to get there before she left. but when we got
there she just got cut so we talked for a minute and then
we went to play pool. that was fun i havent done that for

and now im just sitting here thinking. about how i can
never have babies. and about how she said she was going to
straighten shit out in january. and how its january 3rd.
and how i dont believe her. and what i can do about that.

i guess ive been thinking that if things arent going to
work out with her or until they can, i should stay with him
and try to make things work. but they arent going to work
with him, its not even a sometimes thing anymore, he never
makes me happy, i never look at him and feel anything. and
it scares me to know that that may change again someday.
if i didnt have that fear, i could walk away and never look

i think its mainly that i cant think about anyone else. no
one seems to believe me or understand why or whatever but
all i can think about is her, i want her with me.

im tired of thinking about it now. im tired of thinking
about everything now.