underthelayers

realitY
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2004-01-04 05:14:39 (UTC)

so i'm not always complete...

...ly honest.

Today was so bizarre.
You didnt focus on me at all.
Ok. I know that sounds selfish but i'm human and i need
some attention from those who are important to me.
When she wasnt there I at least got a satisfying amount.
Today your waving hand was like waving me away.
It didnt feel friendly.
And that made me feel like crap.
All of a sudden, in the same spot where you're all
friendly.. when i'm alone, i feel dismissed.
I felt really awkward and vulnerable and less than a
shadow.
I mean. that moment.
stays with me.
because it told me so much reality that i'd been missing.
the times when you call me and we hang out suddenly feel
cheapened when you completely ignore me when she's around.
because i compare.
boy do i compare.
i dont want to compare.
but how can i not do this?
YOU IGNORE ME WHEN SHES AROUND.
we hang out... when you guys arent doing so well.
then when u start to do well again?
yeah.
it's all of a sudden all about her.

That's why this bothers me so much.
because it cheapened our whole relationship.
I know on some level that's not fair.
Its not fair to hold it against you that you prefer
someone else.
That's why i can't say this to you anymore.
and if you see this then understand that i am trying to
come to grips and trying to understand.
this is going to help.
i cant ignore it and pretend like it doesnt happen.
i'll find out
Given, we were only there for little more than a moment,
but you dont need more than a moment to see some things.
it's taken me longer than this moment.
but this moment is when i admitted it.

So what do the other moments mean?
our moments.
those moments when we seemed wrapped up in each other.
see you made me question the other moments.
so its cheapened.
that's crap.
I want to dismiss it as my mind messing up but i'm sick of
that because i dont get peaceful with that.
the music you share.
the moments.
the time.
you made me want you.
you have become so much to me and you might not even know
it.
i dont want you to know anymore.
yes i do.
i want you to know.
and i want you to want me.

but i'm losing that as a possibility anymore.
you and i seem to be so close sometimes.
so unbelievably close i could almost convince myself we
already took that step.
but we havent.
i must keep mindful of that.
i did in my mind so many times.
and i just waited for you to act on it.
inches away and you kept yourself back.
were you holding back?
or was there no good reason to move forward?

dont deny truth.
no matter if its what i want to hear or not.
I
am
hurting
now
and
its
because
of
what
you've
become
to
me

If you asked i would not deny it.
i would be honest.
but i would also be honest about her as well.
how i dont feel like i add up to her to you.
and i can eventually get over myself and move on if i know
for sure.
but u keep me hanging on.
and sometimes i think thats how u like it.

and i know this makes it seem like i think badly of u
i dont
i cant
I know that she holds a special place in you
i'm not stupid and i dont always like it but i know that
is entirely your right
but where is my place in you
i know its there
just where is it
however you handle it
it's entirely in your rights
and i'm the one to blame for caring more than i show u know
but it still leaves things unsaid and questions unanswered
and that leaves me hurt.


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