Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-01-03 09:06:28 (UTC)

Catholic Girls

I can't seem to fall asleep tonight. It's about 330am in
the morning. I suppose part of it is because I've been
getting emails from my ex from a few years back. It
started about a few days ago, she wrote to me wondering if
this was the right address. And then after that, she just
sort of wrote to me saying she was still in love with me.

I don't quite know what to do.

So I've been kind of watching flcl videos and listening to
the pillows. It's what I do best when confronted with
something I need to do. I just sort of tune everything out
and procrastinate. You'd think that my kind would have
better ways of handling such pressures. Well perhaps not.
I must have picked up some bad habits being here. Or
maybe, I've always been this way. flcl is nice though.
Very cleverly done.

I've thought about what to say the whole day. I fell
asleep in the evening, and woke up at night with the first
things on my mind, "What am I going to say?".

I suppose the first question I should ask myself is am I
still in love with her too? And the second question would
be, is she really still in love with me? I kind of wonder,
if perhaps she is just playing some kind of game. But what
on earth? Why would she lie to me about that?

I also pondered some bits of the social sciences of
America's fundamental building block. That is, the
contempoary nuclear family. Four married couples, the
father, his four children. Three of which were married,
the fourth being a kind of bachelor although he had
brought along a date. The father's wife's family which
consisted of her daughter and myself. Although I am not
blood related to the wife or the daughter.

I was told by Lisa that I looked mean. I suppose that was
the reason for everyone behaving so well. I have been told
I looked dour. Harsh, stern, steadfast, stoic, and as
if "you alone carried the burdens of the world". I suppose
that's a fair assessment. I have no such care for the
trivial talk of the bourgeoise. There are matters which
are of more importance. For example, spending time with
the family. Or perhaps, discussions of more important
topics such as the human condition. But I suppose for
people such as themselves, talk of who got shot and when
they got shot is more important than spending time with
family.

But I suppose that is their way of spending time. I've
come to postulate a most controversial theory. War. At
first I was opposed to warfare of any kind. To actually
engage in unnecessary loss of life, is in itself a human
tragedy. Countless lives destroyed with the needless
deaths of soldiers, bleeding and giving their life for
their country.

But now, I begin to understand war is almost like a kind
of social cleansing. A sort of internal mechanism that can
actually restructure a society into a more responsible,
less materialistic society. Used to make people to not
take for granted the sanctity of life. A lesson. A most
dangerous lesson. A lesson I wonder is worth the cost of
suffering.

I have to force myself to remember at times that the
culturual tendency of this society is not one I can shape
easily and I must respect. Despite the fact that tend to
disrespect every other culture not their own. Oh the
Americans, how wayward have they become. Their ambitions,
their blindness. And their arrogance. They take and
ridicule, they mock and at the same time they attempt to
understand and form their own unique culture. Their "way
of life". I have yet to see their unique way of life
manifested in any particular group response/belief.

Freedom? Hardly unique to the Americans. A political
concept. Democracy? Grecian in origin. Considered by the
Greeks to be the lowest form of government. The founding
fathers of America, even held Democracy in low regard.
Technology and Scientific Advances? Built upon the backs
of the Middle Eastern Mathematicians, Al-Hassad, the
Asians, and the Egyptians. Grecians simply borrowed from
the Egyptians.

What have the Americans given us? Capitalism, disruption
of family, and technological advances which can allow you
to never have to socialize with another human being. Oh
yes, and nuclear/biological weapons.

I suppose I am being too harsh. As I observed the family
in front of me, I noticed that they were all in their own
little way trying to be nice. I suppose even without the
dour dark individual sitting in the corner near the fire,
the shadow ever so slightly masking my dislike for humans
in general, ready and without hesitation terminate the
lives of everyone in there, they would have gotten along
just fine.

It's never the intention of the sane humans to want to
cause harm. Afterall, its genetic. To not want to cause
harm, I mean.

I think they behaved themselves because I was the tallest
one there. Nah, they did it because I was a stranger, and
they didnt want to act in an inappropriate way in front of
a stranger.

I suppose I should get around to writing that email. I am
not sure what to write. Oh well. I'll think of something I
guess. I wouldn't mind cuddling in bed with a hot girl
wearing one of those Catholic girl uniforms. Just a random
thought.




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