Cloudy Days

Nocturne
2004-01-03 05:55:38 (UTC)

New Beginning

So here I am, at a new diary site once again. This is the
third diary site I've tried since I've started doing the
whole diary thing. I wanted some place where no one knows
me. I have a few things that I need to get off my chest
that I don't really want any of my friends to know. I have
an actual diary that I write but sometimes it's just easier
to type instead of write.

On New Years I broke up with my boyfriend. We had been
going out for just a little over six months. Honestly, I'm
not sure myself what my exact reason for breaking up with
him was. I mean, I liked him, hell, I might have even loved
him but I think I was just looking for a change. I do
things like that some times. I thought I had thought it
through pretty well but I'm not so sure now. I'm not sure
if it's just because I'm not used to the feeling of not
having a boyfriend or what. It's hard for me to decide what
this feeling is. It's just an empty feeling.

The hardest part about this break up is that it wasn't
hard. It was just the end. I went to a party because I knew
he was going to be there and I thought I would do it then.
I freaked out for about an hour or so and then I finally
got the guts to talk to him. I asked him to come outside so
we could talk. I'm not even sure what I said to get it
started but all he said was, "Yeah, I know." It was even an
I'm really upset yeah I know but he seemed okay. I think he
was even smiling. For Christmas he had gotten me a really
expensive looking necklace and I told him to take it back.
At first he wouldn't but then I got him to take it back. It
looked like he wanted to kiss me. I was afraid that he was
going to. It's not that I wouldn't have enjoyed it but it
just would have been weird. I just break up with you and
you're trying to kiss me. That's just not right. But then
funny thing was, I wanted to kiss him back. What does that
mean? Was it just my feelings of lust or was it something
more? Was it my heart telling me that you're a dumbass and
that you shouldn't have broken up with him? I figured that
if I give all this time, I'll get over the feeling of not
having a boyfriend. But now I'm starting to wonder if it's
my conscious kicking myself in the ass.

This entry makes me seem like one of those girls that just
talk and talk about their ex-boyfriends. I'm really not
like that. I have a lot more substance than that. But I
think this is good enough for now.




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