myra

volcano
2004-01-02 05:45:54 (UTC)

explosives

I have been feeling like a volcano lately....ready to blow
anytime. I can't seem to manage any type of problems
regarding my mother. I'm a married woman with a child and
I still feel like a three year old when my mother is
involved. It is driving me crazy. I have so much
resentment. She is living in an apt. in backyard and I
feel like it is a big white elephant just sitting
there...taunting me and invasive. I can't stand it. She
has a degenerative spinal disease that has made her
physical health deteriorate rapidly. She has these
pressure sores on her feet and she is supposed to be
staying off her feet so they will heal. I take her to the
wound care clinic twice a week and they are not
healing...she will not stay off her feet. I take her
meals, clean her floors for her and I don't really know
what else to do. Sure, there are a million things that need
to be done but I'm homeschooling, raising a child and I'm
going nealy every night of the week due to some activity of
my daughters. I really don't have a lot of time. the
other day, she starts giving me a hard time because I
didn't call and check on her frequently enough. so, I
decicded to set up lifeline for her so that someone would
be available 24/7 in case she should ever fall and can't
get up. She starts pitching a fit because she does not want
them in her apt. because of the way it looks. It's messy
and cluttered, but who cares. I told her she was not going
to give me a hard time about not checking on her enough and
then argue with me about lifeline service. I was so
furious. My Husband says she just likes to make me feel
quilty. I don't have any other family members that can
help me with her and it is difficult. She starts in on me
about how she cared for my father for two years, held a
full time job and did it all herself without help. That is
bull. She had many friends and family to help her, she
just refused 90% of the time. She is always so unhappy. I
get aggravated because I remember when I was a kid and I
would get unhappy I was told I couldn't expect everyone to
make me happy that I had to get over it. I want to scream
that at her all the time. I can't stand to be around her
most of the time. She nags me and makes me miserable. She
can't see me and not say somethimg to me about needing to
gravel the driveway, my hair is losing its shine, I'm
losing hair (wonder why?), I need to wear something
different, blah, blah, blah. I start tuning it out. I
can't write about it anymore. It is making me sick. My
period is a couple of days late. My Husband and I have
been trying to have another child for years and I was told
I would not be able to have anymore. I feel mother nature
is playing a cruel joke on me right now. I just don't even
want to get my hopes up. I should buy a test so that I
would start my period on the way home from the store.
That's the way it always was when we were trying so hard.
I'd rush out if I was two seconds late and by the time I
arrived home, ta-da...period had started. I feel like I
have become too selfish to have another one. Look at how I
feel about my mother. Very resentful at the thought of
having to take care of her. I feel if it were my dad, no
problem, my mom, she is just too difficult. Her dr. even
pity's me because she knows how difficult mom is. Mother
does not do anything the dr. tells her...she knows more
that they do. Enough. I should have a sign that
reads, "explosives."




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