Ad 0:
2004-01-02 05:03:30 (UTC)

venting a tad bit...

u know what the worst feeling in the world is? having to
give up on someone knowing exactly why and how you held on
for so long. seemingly i think the hardest lesson in life
to learn among many others is that you can't change
anyone. and when i say change i dont mean thinking your
better than someone and trying to better them in material
ways or thinking your better than someone at all. i mean
sincerely caring for someone's well being and being it
towards their benefit for them to change. it just sucks
knowing and watching some people throw all that they've
ever achieved and worked for and trading it in for shit.
whats it worth? really.
im gonna vent i feel it best to do that at this point. its
late in the evening everyone here's asleep im just gonna go
ahead and type.
im one of those people that always thinks there's something
better out there. someone better a better way of doing
things and that maybe being content right now is holding me
back from something better that i could attain. a while
back ago i was not content at all. and mostly with the
friends i had. in retrospect it really wasn't them it was
me that needed changing and i made the changes i felt i
needed to make. i distanced myself from the people i felt
were bringing me down and although i may sound a tad bit
selfish i know that in the end its what was best for me.
and now that im at a place where im totally content with
the friends i have im more than happy in fact im extatict
to see them when i do, there's always that feeling in the
pit of my stomach that im missing out on something. not
really better but just something. im scared to death of
going to school in the fall. its going to be a totally new
beginning and that scares the hell out of me. im not good
at meeting or befriending new people and im afraid of being
alone. in fact im not content at all with being alone. i
need people bottom line.
another thing that concerns me about myself is that i
cannot trust anyone. i dont let people know what im
thinking or feeling and i think in the long run thats done
me well. i haven't gotten hurt as much, but then again i
think im missing out. b/c at the same time i no longer feel
anything im like a conrete wall, no one gets in. every
emotion the only thing that ever comes out is anger. and
even when im not pissed about something if i think about it
too much i get pissed off. and then for god sakes being
pissed off pisses me off. and i know exaclty where it all
stems father.