2004-01-01 21:49:11 (UTC)

i promise im not trying to make your life harder.

i know you think that i shouldnt still love you,
or tell you that.
but if i didnt say it, well id still have felt it,
wheres the sense in that?

i promise im not trying to make your life harder
or return to where we were..

i know i left too much mess and destruction to come back
and i caused nothing but trouble,
i understand if you cant talk to me again
and if you live by the rules of "its over"
then im sure that that makes sense.

and when we meet, which im sure we will
all that was tehre will be there still
i'll let it pass and hold my tongue
and you will think that i've moved on...

well i will go down with this ship,
and i wont put my hands up in surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
im in love and always will be..


this is absolutely my favorite song in a really long time
its so completely perfect. i never ever buy cds anymore
but i think im going to buy this one even though i have the
song downloaded. it kills me.

i was thinking yesterday afternoon when everything was
fucked up beyond belief. it wasnt really a new thought but
the way i thought it, was very matter of fact. i was
like. this isnt right. the whole thing isnt right and she
should be with me.

i finally fucking got home. it was so awful. my aunt and
i had a huge fight the night before i left, then she took
me late to the airport, then the security people were awful
im not getting into it, but they made me miss my flight and
i went so nuts. like i was more over the edge then i've
been in probably ever.

there are lesbians there though. not that it matters. im
not moving there. at least not right now. i might want to
be with my kids but not her. but there are. this cute but
little bit butch girl was behind me in the security shit
and she kept saying stuf to me and then when i finally got
through to get to the gate, she was sitting waiting on hers
and shes like "hey you wana sit here with me?" and
obviously i couldnt because i was missing it. but then i
went totally wacky and so she was probably glad i didnt lol.

she was going to be here last night for new years. she told
the bitch she was going to her moms and she was guna be
here almost when i got home from the airport. i cant
fucking agh. i got so mad when she told me that because
that would have made the whole entire disaster
heartbreaking week better. and instead i had to sit in
airports all fucking night. i just dont even believe it
happened to me the whole thing.

then i felt like something else bad was guna happen and so
on the plane to atlanta, this guy sat down and he seemed
really nice but then he was like so explicitly hitting on
me i was so uncomfortable. we were talking about the whole
shit thing and hes like oh do you have to stay the night in
atlanta and i was like no and hes like thats too bad huh
huh huh. and then i was like yeah no. and he was like at
least theres some nice bars in the airport i'll buy you a
couple drinks while you wait and i was like i dont drink.

but it will be okay. because things are all going to work
out. this shit up there all happened to show me that
moving there wasnt the right thing to do. and it was
devastating and heartbreaking and makes me angry but its
better than doing it and then finding out. and things will
be okay with my girl, i know it will.

not to mention i just finally told matt theres a problem.
and im going to have a talk with him either tonight or
saturday, whenever we have a chance. i told him im sick of
being disregarded, disrespected and treated inconsiderately
and im sick of the dreams and im sick of being taken for
granted and taken advantage of and i told him im so over it
and i know it will be a big change for me but i will stop
at nothing to make myself get over it and he knows thats
true and that i will not be blamed for it this time because
hes had a whole new seperate year and a half AGAIN to make
things right and he could have and he didnt. i gave HIM
another chance and he blew it. and its fine. this
semester we arent registered for any of the same classes,
not even the same schedule and our work schedules are
opposite and im going to be trying to work as much as i can
with school and i do not need him.

and yes i did want to wait until hes back at that point
where hes calling me all the time and whining about not
getting enough time with me and this and that and then
somehow fucking hurt him the way he hurt me but you know
what, im over that. that was a long time ago and im not
even the same person anymore and i dont even care about his
bullshit and lies and manipulations or any of it. its in
the past. just like he is, for me, in the past.

and i think its okay because im not doing it because of
her. yes i think it will be a little more convincing then
me just talking about it and never doing anything about it
but this has been coming for a long time. and im not doing
it because i think she would be proud of me or because i
think it will make her happy even though she wont probably
admit it or to convince her that im serious or anything
else. im doing it for me. because he doesnt make
me feel good he doesnt make me happy and im not spending
any more time of my life with things that dont make me
happy. that is my fucking new years resolution and that
can go for many things.