Self harming dyke
new year not good (letters)
Maybe I will get through tonight. I dunno. Have told people
have plans so am alone tonight - they all thinka m at
So I have been feeling rather low and I wrote somwe letters
31st December 2003
Mummy and Daddy,
Sorry. Just feeling so lonely. The idea of Therapeutic
Community is great, if it was now. But for the next term I
have to teach, I have to pretend to be what I am not.
I am not doing *this* on the spur of the moment, I have
thought a lot about it. I have really just had enough.
Can’t bear to go on and pretend to be what am not.
You think of me as a bit low… but I know I am so fucked up
that there is nowhere to go anymore. Maybe part of me would
like to be found and to just go to Therapeutic Community
now. But I know that this won’t happen. I really can’t do
that. I have to finish the course, don’t I? Well, I can’t.
I will never finish my novel. Please can you look after it
for me? Is on my desk in a plastic H&M bag. It was one
thing that stopped this when I was in Brussels, but I read
it last night and I don’t have that ability anymore. Can’t
believe I wrote it. Somewhere on this PC is my Molière
diary, which I wanted to publish too.
I hate that I will hurt you. I really don’t want to, but I
do realise what this will do. However, the way things feel
and are going at the moment, it would be much worse for you
if I stayed here. Please can you promise to love me when I
am not here. Not think of me as whatever anyone says, just
as me. I want funeral/remembrance to be at the farm and
also at the KPA. Please cremate me and scatter my ashes in
Anything that can be, I want to be donated.
I just hope I get to be a cat at the farm next life. I’m so
sorry. I don’t know what to say.
I love all those who loved me and a lot who didn’t.
It is no-one’s fault, I am just chemically inbalanced or
something. Please don’t give up. You did so much for me,
but I am just so low and I have no more motivation to push
myself. It is just too hard to keep doing all that things I
have to do. You have given me more than I could ever have
needed. It is not your fault and never will be. Please
please see that. I love you. You are the best parents I
could have had.; I am just “wrong” inside or something. I
don’t understand it, but I guess if I did, it wouldn’t be
I love you. I have always loved you. I hoped that we might
one day share a place and be mad cat women together –
understanding each other implicitly and being able to live
together as no-one can with me!
I wanted to maybe be your lover. Not sexual, just friends,
just understanding each other…be with you. I care so much
about you and you so rarely hurt me, you are beautiful and
special and loving. I know we had something special that I
never had with anyone else.
I am doing this for the reasons that you already know. I
don’t want to hurt you, though I know this will. Could you
please talk to my parents? Just that they will need you and
maybe you might find them helpful for you…
Thanks for being my friend over the past year or so. You
really have been a light in my life. I am so sorry if I
upset you. My bestest mate. Nicki pea on tall trainers.
Please talk to the group cos I cannot bear to do this to
them. I hope you can be OK in life and get through. You
need to cos you are so strong and so great.
Love you always.
So they are a couple of my letters...
Probably see you tomorrow.