Denika

Denika's CraZY Life
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2003-12-31 18:10:52 (UTC)

How to be alone on Christmas

*I am doing this to vent, GAWD I NEED TO. I hate
complaining... but maybe this will help explain a fewtigs
to some poeple.*

Ok, I have been involintarily experimenting on how to be
alone on the christmas holidays, and also in life! AND DAMN
AM I DOING A GREAT JOB! I mean reallly! I thik I am a
leading authority on the subject. There are so few people
who really havent cared to remind themselves that I AM
alive, that I DO exist.. and that I was once their friend.
Its so sad to realise that when you try to keep contact
with some people, its your job! You have to be the one to
call, the one to write the one to take initiative. I know
the pressures of school, the unending piles of homework,
and the inevitable separtaion of school-mates does exist..
But... with my friends.. I thought It would never happen.
It seemed that we would always remain close. There was no
reason not to. It was like I was only their friend when it
was convienient to them.. that because I live so far
away... no one needed to bother.. they only talked to me
when I was in town.. When they didnt really need to make an
effort. So I stopped telling people when I was coming or
going.. unless they had really tried, if i wanted to see
them... or if they found out on msn or something.. BLEH
I had seen it even in my firts few months living on my
own in Halifax even. I'd call... never get a call back..
call again.. still no return call... even when I had given
people a FREE way to call me. But whatever. It happens
right?? I mean it does! To everyone. Time passed, school
went on.. so did life. Selena moved away after a while, and
I was really on my own then. I missed her so much after a
short time.. I had no reminders of my former self. Bad
things happened.. good things happened.. a year passed and
I was doing pretty good. I had a new friend, a great
friend. One I love so very much. *kisses to him* He helped
me through my tough times. For a short while it was great.
Turns out, I got a full year scholarship from my school
beacause I deserved it. WOW, I thought! Things are looking
up!
But then comes Brian. "o0o0o0o0oH", I though, here is a
guy with his stuff together.. and he likes me for me.. Then
He financially crippled me for the entire year, the
bastard. Oh well.

Im living with Norm. He is so great. I really don't know
what I would have done without him there. He was my only
friend for a little while.. I mean excluding the people at
school. He is my bestest friend for a long time. We were
always REALLY close. It seemed like, no matter how long we
were apart, we were always close. I miss Jake so much.. We
were buds.. compadres.. then I had to move... and it seems
like the same things is happening.. I HAVE to make the
effort..

Nan died. My world died. Almost every bit of love in the
world I had for someone died. My mom, my best friend, my
emotional support.. gone.. all at once.. and I was there. I
held her hand.. I saw her go.. I was the only one. It was
so hard. I cried. It hurt more than anything my mom had put
me through.. more than the cuts, the hits the strange men..
I knew I was alone. I thought she was immortal until she
was gone. I had no home. It was gone. It was...erased.
Halifax is home.

My father.. Oh how I want a father who is someone I can
just talk to.. I hear so much stuff about me.. what I am
doing, how selfish I am.. how much of a bad daughter I
am... How does he know this? He doesnt live with me? He
doesnt call me, he doesnt write.. he doesnt pay my rent.
But hey who cares??! Its not like I dont have enough shit
dumped on me or anything. Just add my own f'ing father to
the list off selfish assholes who make my life a living
hell.

Christmas.. I was dragged here.. I wanted to see krista
and the kids.. a selcet few of people I havent talked to..
Laura.. I love you sweety, no matter what. I spent
christams with a couple f people who care about me.. their
kids (my cousins).. but it wasnt my christmas.. it
wasnt ... I felt so0o0o0o awkward. To watch them open their
gifts. To hold the stocking my nan had knit for me when I
was a baby. It was the first year she hadent filled it...

Anyway.. I hate complaing about stuff, but it was about
time i got somethings off my chest.. I love you. If you are
reading this I love you. But I wont call you. Try to be my
friend again. I hate beingbitter like everyone else..


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