~ShIt HaPpEnZ~
2003-12-31 04:26:28 (UTC)


Well, Being me isnt exactally the easiest job in the
world; Not only peer pressure to go along with my
depression; but also fighting and arguing with the family
and not being able to sleep well at night. After all that
has happened in my life, Im not sure there is a god
anymore. Im not sure of Anything anymore. im not
complaining, because i could have it alot worse, but it is
hard having nobody int the family that even cares if you
wake up the next morning. My father cares about me, but i
really don't think him and i have a bond going at all. He
is split between my mother and I. She is pone krazee bitch
sometimes. When i mention her, I will call her mom though
she isnt my real mother. My real mom, Karin, is full of
compassion and love, but can be a total bitch. She is
really psychotic, and that is onee of the reasons she
wasn't able to keep me with her. She is into drugs and
alcohol. Her house was searched earlier this year, because
the police thought it was a meth lab.
Anywayz, The problems at home consist of yelling,
pinching, kickin, and hitting. Its not a posotive place to
live. I have had total break downs of not being able to
breath, and sometimes i wish it would end my life. Im
still here though. I guess its good and bad inb their own
ways, but i don;t find it to be very posotive. They asked
me why I had the pipe when they found it? they asked me
why i was smoking? I have never found the guts to tell
them the true reasons: THEY ARE THE RAESONS I SMOKE POT,
EVEN SLEEP. I think my mother has givin up trying to be
compassioate and loving, like how we were before we
started fighting. Im not saying that im not the cause for
some of the problems, but she's trying to pin ALL of them
on me. Im really not sure wut to do anymore because this
house is driving me mad. I can't take it anymore, and she
says that i can control whether im happy or not, when
thats not how things work. You are happy because i feel an
emotion of good. I havent felt happy since i was around 9
years old. I can;t make myself be happy because everytime
i try to she pushes me back in the mud. If there is a God
out there then why dosen't he keep things leveled out? Im
not trying to be selfish or anything but why can;t he help
me out a bit.
I guess i still kinda believe in god, because i think that
in August, he sent me an angel. She listens to what i have
to say in life and i can trust her with anything i have to
say. She expresses strength and nobody an contain her wild
side. She can relate to things in my life, and when se
cant, She is still there to listen and try to understand.
I love her to death and im not sure if i can make it
without her in this world, because before i met her, i was
ready to die. She took my bitter spirit and showed me that
there are truely SOME people out in the wold that can be
caring. Her name is Erin, My angel from above.