2003-12-30 04:56:36 (UTC)

got enough guilt to start my own religion..

man i feel like such shit.

i can breathe now and i feel better but wow. nothing is
ever what you think it is.

i miss my mother. even though i know that someday soon she
will turn back into the insane raging lunatic she can be
and has passed on to me even and that i only feel close to
her right now because i have virtually nothing else, i miss

and i think sometimes, rarely actually, but sometimes that
maybe i just need to meet people somehow. of course its
not as easy for girls to meet girls as it is for the
majority unless your girlfriend finds you a job where some
fat ass fucking whore happens to be waiting to pounce on
you aaaaaaaaagggggh get her out of my fucking head. i had
the weirdest fucking dream last night speaking of her giant
ass, caroline called me and asked me to come over it was
early in the morning and i was weird about it but i was
like okay and she snuck me in her room which i never ever
go in we took a nap there once and i dont know how i
managed it then we were still working at lexmark but i
could puke now thinking of it but whatever and i never go
in there but i did. and fatass was in the kitchen hahaha
of course and whatever so we were laying on the bed and
shes like i want to talk to you but we have to wait til she
leaves and im so afraid shes guna come in cus shes throwing
shit in the kitchen throwing a fit, and the weird weird
part is, if i think about it and even if i close my eyes, i
can not fucking picture this bitch ever, shes like the
only person in the world that i have this with, but in my
dream, she walked in the room and i could see her. its
weird but anyway she had this little black girl with her
and shes like lets read who feels like just laying down and
reading a book and she sits down on the bed like right next
to me and shes reading to the little girl and she showed me
this flower in the book and shes like isnt that one pretty
and i was like uh yeah crazy bitch whatever and then shes
like its time to go and i was watching the clock the whole
time and i knew caroline was going to run out of time to
talk to me and she did and we all went down even the little
girl and then caroline whispered "we'll talk in the car"
and fatass is like "i'll drive" so they all got in that car
and left. and then i walked to this parking garage where
people were standing in this long line and i only had one
cigarette and there was this beautiful boy with this
beautiful girl but she left and then i went to find her and
we walked around for a while and went in the elevator but
we couldnt find him and thats all i remember. but yeah.

anyway the point is, i really DONT need to meet people
because oh yeah, lest i forget, EVERYONE SUCKS.

everyone sucks, including me, which is maybe why the people
that i wish didnt suck do.

school starts soon and i'll see her twice a week. for
statistics ugghh.. see she's helping me too, because i
would NEVER be able to make myself go every class for a
semester, especially a fucking night class. this class
will be the worst part of college so far. but i will go to
see her and to make her go.

i'd like to talk to mike about her working more hours there
if she would leave bloomingdales. i dont know if it would
work but thats babystep1 to fixing her money shit. then it
would only be 2 jobs and more money even though not a whole
lot more but some. i might have to use matt a little bit,
because mike will do whatever matt asks him to do. he
hired me, didnt he. and last time i was drunk with him, he
was like "i thought caroline was only temporary" and i had
forgot about that and i was like "yeah but she cant be" and
hes like "you want her to stay?" and i was like "yeah its
really important to me" and he was like "then she's not
going anywhere." uh huh.

i need to see someone though. i kept waking up. and i
didnt know where i was. and i thought she would be there.
its sad and twisted, and i dont know if i havent been that
sick since that time or what. it was really bad i thought
i was dying cus i couldnt breathe and no one thought it was
a big deal they were like "just relax and sleep" and im
happened 3 or 4 times. i woke up coughing and i sort of
looked around for her and then i cried. it was a bad
night. but its a little better now.

i dont know if i can move here. i keep looking for an easy
way out of that town and then i end up there again. i
thought i wouldnt want to come home when i was here, but i
do badly. i wanted to 2 days ago. i love this little girl
more than anything shes the sweetest brat in the world and
i really love cole too but i just. and it makes me sick to
think of that town as home. i wish sometimes that i could
clear my head of every single moment that has happened
there. like out of nowhere these images and memories come
into my mind and wont leave, like the night georgina told
me matt gave her the vast cd and said #6 will always be for
you and that was our song, and 2 years ago wednesday when
claudia had a tissue to my nose and a cigarette to my mouth
and caroline would not come no matter how much i begged
everyone to get her to, and the fourth of july when i tried
to tell my mother how much ashley meant to me and the
fireworks were going and she was just like "you'll be fine"
like you'll be fine MY way not your way.

and im not fine.

and im so lonely i could die.