Mercedes

you cant escape what makes you tragic
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2003-12-29 10:46:19 (UTC)

up early.

it's 5 18am. i can't sleep. or maybe... we (andrw and i) went to bed
pretty early, maybe i'm just... up. i dunno. all i know is that it's all my
fault. no, really, fuck me for saying that i might actually be happy for
once b/c of course as soon as i did shit turned bad...

started a few days ago, i went to andrew's house on thursday and,
i was really really really insanly depressed. i felt a bit better and we
went shoppin and then to mya the next day so it was cool, but i did
feel a little lost for a while.... then i was better for a little while. last
night i started freakin. i dunno why or what happend but all of a
suddin i was lieing in bed w/ andrew (it was like 8/9ish we were
just chillin, not sleepin) and i didn't know who i was. i thought i was
my alter ego/poetry pen name Varuka Gypsy, and andrew was a
stranger- that we had only met once or twice before... i was scared
and i started to panic. then i snapped out of it like ' woah wtf is
wrong w/ you you KNOW who you are' and it was cool, but i started
to freak like 'maybe i'm crazy whats wrong with me...' and my left
hand came up and started choking me. i tryed to stop it, to let go, to
pull away. i couldn't. it was like i was posessed. i honestly
COULDN'T let go. i had no control. that scared me. so then i
started freakin again but after a while i just burst out laughin
everything was just so stupid and i wasn't really thinking.... just
laughin (like a cRAzY person...). then i asked andrw if we would g
out for a smoke (he said we would earlier) but he didn't respond so
i started the whole ' hey andrew, andrw come one, hey hey
andrew! andrew! andew come on... hey andrew, andrwe come on"
thing. that's when he noticed i wasnt ok. i was still freakin but it was
a pacing paranoid look around the room freakin so finally i got him
to go out and i by the 2nd cigarette i was ok.

i don't know whats wrong with me, but i have this really bad head
cold that just kind of appeared last night. it's makin me feel like im
swimmin (my head is kind of in the clouds, and it's not in a fun
way). after all that shit happend and i was done freakin i got
depressed again. i was in a really breakable mood and everything
seemed to hurt me. i started crying and ran up to andrew's room. i
missed my dad.... andrew came up and just held me and put on
chill music, i really needed that. we fell asleep and been sleepin
ever since...except i guess i'm up now but whatever.

i'll probably go back to bed in an hr or so and andrew won't know
the differnce, he usually doesn't. he has been sleeping a LOT
lately. i think he has something, cause it doesn't seem right. or
maybe teenagers just need more sleep. ha....

yesterday, when andrew was takin a nap, for the first time in a long
time i wrote a poem. it's pretty good, but not quite done yet. i'll
finish it when i get home cause right now it's in an emails i sent
back and fourth to myself, b/c it's done like letters sent from
someone, to her lover, and then they reply and the reply to the
reply... i didn't even really mean to write it, i just started writing
down w/e and it began to take shape...

well i'm gettin tired (not really) and my neck is started to feel really
sore (really really) so i'm goin back to bed...
xoxox-cedes


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