DoeEyez

New Dreams with the New Year
2003-12-29 01:57:52 (UTC)

It's almost the end of the year

Well this year is finally coming to a close. Looking back
so much so gone on in my life. I've lost those precious to
me and have moved forward in my career.

I've found my heart filled with sadness for those who have
left this place. Not sadness for them I guess but because
I am here and miss them so very much. Aunt Beverly passed
away last February 27, 2003 suddenly. I have felt such an
empty space in my heart with her death. Since mom died
nine years ago, Aunt Beverly was my special person in my
life. We could laugh about things in the past, and cry
for those who are gone together. She gave me the best
advice in the world and I had finally learned to listen to
her words as they were truly filled with wisdom. I guess
the upbeat to her passing is she is with those she loved
so dearly. Mom, Grandma Lucy and her husband Newman must
all be smiling in the heavens above because they are once
again together and almost complete. Uncle Bob (mom's and
Aunt Beverly's brother) is still living and not in the
best of health. Moms husband, Bob, passed away May 31st,
2003 and he was laid to rest with mom. I think the hardest
thing about them all leaving is I realize how truly alone
I am except for my children. As I sit here, I have to
remind myself that I am very blessed with five beautiful
children and four gorgeous grandbabies. Yet, I know I am
an orphan and have really no one beyong my kids. Guess all
touch on this more later my dear writing friend. I'm
getting to emotional to keep writing about this topic.

I've had many things happen this past year that were in
the positive in my life though. We welcomed a new
grandchild into our lives in September. Miss Kaelynn
Jean. The Jean is in memory of mom and Julie thought it
was most appropriate to name her first daughter after the
one person she truly adored in this world.

I bought a house for the first time in twenty years. It's
not a fancy house as it is a mobile home but it is mine.
Border paper was put into place when we first moved in
along the kitchen wall. Would like to put a wood floor
down in the kitchen and definitely carpet througout. It
was built in 1999 so it is not an old home. The house has
skylights and garden tubs, vaulted ceilings, with a
beautiful kitchen.

Started a new job about two months ago. I am now working
in wireless communications and the money is awesome. I've
been working six days a week and it is getting really old
very quickly but hopefully they will hire someone soon. I
feel like I'm to old and always tired to work so much. I
need two days off to get my own stuff done and that isn't
happening atm. This part of my job really sucks!

I'm sick again and have been for almost two weeks. Spent
Christmas in bed, only getting up to watch Shelby, Jacob
and Cameron open their gifts and back into bed I slithered.
I hope to feel better soon as it is dragging on me as well
as the hours that I work.

I have much to be grateful for this past year as well as
the losses that I have suffered. Cameron finally wanted to
come back home so a friend and I drove to Norfolk to pick
him up with all of his things. Geez, I missed him so much
and he has grown up. Not just in size but in his inner
being. I have to admit he is one great kid and certainly
my pride and joy. I hope he knows how much I love him and
want to see him do well in life. He is the youngest of my
first family and will be eighteen on April 9th.

Jon is still being a total jerk. Again, he did nothing for
me at Christmas. I gave him several nice gifts and didn't
get even a sincere Merry Christmas from him. He asked me
to buy Bath and Body Works for the girls in the office he
works with. I did and it ended costing 65.00 for the three
of them. I was so hurt he didn't think of me. Although we
have separated many times in the past twelve years we have
always worked through our differences. It is to the point
now were I know I deserve worlds better and am now able to
take care of the kids and myself. I'm setting this
personal goal for myself to have him leave after taxes
come in so I can make sure all the bills are paid off or
current. When I look in the mirror I see someone who I
don't know anymore. I still look the same, but bits and
pieces of me have been torn away over the years by him and
I know he must leave for me to survive. Geez, it's times
like now that i truly miss my mom and aunt. I know my
adult kids will rally around me and I can do this but I am
scared. Yet, I know in my head that I am a very strong
willed woman who can float her own boat and toot her own
horn. I'm going to start storing up the energy that I know
this transition will take and know in my heart I can do
this. There is someone out there for me who will treat me
like I deserve and someone who wants to share in my life.
Maybe not tomorrow but one day, one day. Shelby will
probably be affected the most by him leaving. She is so
close to her dad, but she is resilent and together we can
make it through this.

Well my dear diary, I'm going to close for now. I hope
tomorrow brings sunshine into my life and that all goes
well. God bless all those who have passed through my life
and those who will enter it shortly.

Leese




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