2003-12-26 22:52:15 (UTC)


I'm mainly hitting this thing up because......well, I just
feel like typing rather than writing all this junk. Man, I
can't even find all the words for what I want to say. I'm
just really tired. Not just physically.....but
emotionally. Like, I'm so sick of caring about things and
people that don't deserve it. I want to say that I can't
help but care, but maybe I could find myself not caring at
all. I just don't want the "I DON'T CARE" attitude. I just
think that is ignorant and I don't want to be like that.
Off top, I don't think I can allow myself to call some
people friends. For the same reason that I stopped talking
to Bryan should be the same reason I stop talking to Jon.
It feels pointless. He says that he cares about me and all
this other stuff, but his actions don't show that. To me,
actions speak louder than words. What he does and how he
does things say more than him telling me that he cares
about me and only wants me to have the best. If that was
the case, then I wouldn't feel like this. I'm just sick of
all these meaningless friendships w/ these mediorce
people. Its hurting me day by day to put up w/ all the
shit. I just want to scream to the top of my lungs right
I'm so use to having positive feelings about Leroy. Like,
I always want him to be the best and have the best. I want
him to succeed at everything that his heart wants.....BUT
right now, fuck it. Since I've been home(not going to
GSU), I think I've seen Leroy all of two times. But its
funny because when I would come home last year and he
would be home, I would see him......that says so much. He
doesn't even have to say anything because once again,
actions speak louder than words. I feel like he wants
nothing to do w/ me because I am here. This is a time when
I need him as a friend. I need encouraging words from him.
I know I messed up and I don't want sympathy.....its too
late for that. BUT I need someone to be around for the
good and the bad. I don't call me being at home bad
because I am going to school....I guess he just doesn't
see it that way. And that hurts a lot because he could not
have all that he has and he would be the same Leroy to me.
It just says a lot about him. I don't know what made me
think of things in this light, but its how I feel right
now. Its a big internal conflict right now because I want
to hate him sooo much, but then again, I don't want hate
in my heart for anyone......all I can do is exhale on that
one because so many words want to come out but I know it
wouldn't be right. I guess I'm just hurt.
I'm sooooo ready to go back to school. I'm sick of
working.....I'm just......I'm not sure.....I don't want to
write anymore.......*J*