suicidal_punk_slut

love is shit and life sux cock
2003-12-26 07:05:19 (UTC)

im so ugly thats ok cause so are you we broke our mirrors

shit, i am so depressed right now. i dont know why im
so unhappy i just am. im crying now and i dont know whats
wrong. why im so fucked up. why i feel all this pain.
sometimes......the pain is just so overwhelming. its not
just emotional pain. i can actually feel a pain radiating
deep inside my chest. sometimes, if you cut yourself, with
the flowing blood the pain flows out and all the hate and
tears and rage and sadness. i dont do it often, only when i
feel like doing something much more desperate. but you kind
of....emotional deflate. the pain is gone but it leaves
nothing behind. you feel so empty and desolate and theres
this new pain, but its more loneliness than hurt. you know
that there is so no one out there who can help you. i dont
know why im so messed up though, where did it all start? i
dont know.....
my life isnt that bad, i have parents that love me. i
have ok health, i mean im not temrinally ill or anything.
im not rich but im not poor. i get almost everything i want
im so spoiled. but, i just cant be happy. i just think of
all these things when im alone, all these past things that
have hurt me so bad and it just wells up and comes pouring
out again, the tears and pain. i used to play blink 182
adams song and just now my sister told me everytime i
played that song she spied on me to make sure i wasnt try
to kill myself. im to tired to do that, to afraid and i
cant do that to my only friend, rachel, and my family who
gives me more than my sorry ass deserves. i try to love
them with al my heart but its so HARD to do that for me.
i dont like to happily give out love, because all
you get in return is burned. people arent out there to love
you, they are out there to fuck you over. but, so
ironically, all i want is to love and be loved back just as
much. to have someone to hold me and want me and tell me
they love me and that im beautiful and that they'll never
leave me. ill never be alone again. to kiss me and feel me
and just want me but love me to and want to be with me.
No one has ever seen me. ever liked me. little boys used
to fight over who had to sit by me, none of them wanted to.
i was always made fun of cause before i hit puberty i was
fuzzy and so dark skinned and ugly. im still ugly now in my
opinion but puberty took away a few things. thank you
estrogin lol. but now im to much of a freak. ill be the
first to admitt it. and even if someone shows interest in
me, its my huge tits not me they just wanna fuck me use me
and leave me all alone again. i dont trust them. at all.
but, with nick, i know that i fell in love with him with
everything i could. he made me so happy, i hadnt been happy
in years than. 5 years. maybe 6. i loved him so much and i
completely, god i was so stupid, trusted him. i fucking let
him see me naked. i dont think he knows how painful ALL of
that was for me but i was just so happy someone finally saw
me. i wanted ot give him everything, let him know how much
i appriciated him just living and touching me and letting
me ohld and touch and kiss him. then he fucked me over.
surprise surprise. im never gonna trust or love again.
thanx nick. he told me in his car after i had given him a
handjob and he told me i could play with myself he didnt
wanna touch me that he didnt think he liked me, and he
never did like me. ever. i loved him, he didnt even LIKE
me. then he made out with me again, HE wanted to and i just
thought, hoped and prayed he had changed his mind about me.
but after making out with em he got tired of me and just
decided to act like i didnt even exist to get me off his
back. like i didnt exist, i never existed to anyone but him
and now............. it hurts so bad. im just so sick of
all this pain i always feel i want it to end, to be
constantly numb ot never feel again but i cant and i just
dont know what to do i dont want a counceller i just want
to have another chance with nick and do everything right
this time but i cany and now he wont even be my friend even
though he promised me he owuld. he fucking lied to me. i
hate him more than anyone i know but i love him more than
anyone i know. god im so pathetic. i hate to do this to
him, he doesnt need this. i feel so sorry for him. i feel
so hurt. so broken, shattered. god, whoever you are, please
just kill me off now i dont add anything to this world it
doesnt need me. all i do is fuck everything up and make the
people i love so much with my whole heart hate me. well, i
have something in common with them. i hate myself more than
they can ever hope to hate me.
and im getting fat again. lets play lets see how long brody
can starve herself before she starts to slim down again!
fun fun. if i have to be ugly im not gonna be a fatass to.
thats probbaly why nick hated me. that and how clingy i am.
im sorry god im so sorry and ill never get another chance i
hate it........




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