We just don't know
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2003-12-26 06:00:54 (UTC)


So its Christmas! It came and went so fast this year I
can't believe it. I think when I am older I will probly
have trouble grasping the fact that I am no longer young.
Ok that was random.
Ok so I think I might be depressed, or maybe just
obsessed. I literally CANNOT for the life of me stop
thinking about Duncan. Is it a bad sign if I wrote him an
email a week ago ( since written another despite the fact
he didn't respond) and check my emials AT LEAST 5 times a
day to see if he has maybe taken the time to read what I
wrote and if I am super lucky, write me back. SO yeah I
will admitt that if I didn't know me and I was reading
this entry i would be more than frightened. But, I am in
love with him and I can't be with him and the reasons that
he gave me explaining why we can't spend time together is
absurd. i hate the way things are. I want the upper hand
so I can play hard to get, but I am afraid he will lose
any interest that might be there if I pretend like i have
no interest. THe kid broke my heart in 2. and he still has
the other half. One of 2 things need to happen. 1) We talk
and make closure and both realize ( well I guess I'm the
only one who needs a reality check..) that we are indeed
better off without eachother or 2) He responds to my
emails to my surprise and tells me how he has missed me
and hopes that I have had a wonderful break and wishes we
could hang out. then on New years eve, he will go to
ashleys 80's costume party and we will talk and end up
kissing and it will be the most amazing kiss because we
have both been longing for each others lips... well i best
quit dreaming before I get my hopes up that such a
wonderful thing would happen to me... not with my luck.
this fall has been awful. I got mono, hepatitis, broke up
with my boyfriend, broke my foot, and one of my best
friend's brothers was killed in a freak car accident. I
have been through some crazy things emotionally and I
sometime dont think I will ever be completely happy again.
But then again, when was I ever happy? Can I remember back
to a time when nothing was wrong? Not off the top of my
mind at least. But if I could it would probly be when I
was much much younger. So is this all part of growing up?
Is this a reality check? I guess the saying is right. "
ture happiness is felt only when you can accept the
imperfections. well i am out, its late time fore bed, I
will write you some other time when I am hopelessly and
emotional distraught. bye for now

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