2003-12-26 04:35:29 (UTC)

sittin down by my window....

The torture of consciousness

My eyes are swollen from crying all day. My head is mush
from being mushed all day. I don’t know how to say what I
mean. I don’t know how to give order to my head. I don’t
know by what means to do it justice. I feel I am barely
swimming. Barely treading water. I feel like things are
leaking away from me. I feel like I am floating up and
looking at everything as it happens to me. That I am not in
my body and I am just watching, watching myself and
watching others around me and watching the happenings of my
life and not understanding any of it. Right now I am trying
to ignore my self consciousness and self awareness and I
keep thinking about self awareness. You are not what you
are watching. You are not the voices. You are the awareness
of what you are watching. You are the awareness of the
voices. That is where you are.
This is for me.
This is not for anyone else.
This is for me.

Im crying again. Crying because I am always paying
attention I am always caring I am always conscious even
now, of what people will think.
I am thinking, I will send this to marco.
But I wont
Im not going to send this to anyone.
Now, why am I so insistant upon this?
Because I want the thoughts of other people to go away. I
want to be me. I want to figure out whats going on. I want
to know why I keep crying.

I know what I have been saying to people. Marco, Julie,
rita. I was jaded from the holidays. I am emotional. I am
supersensitive . to marco: that I miss him, and I do. I
want him to be here, I want him to be with me, permanently.
I want to need him, I want to depend on him, I want to
trust him I don’t want him to be a drifter. I know ive
never been good with change.
I feel so lost. And I want to hold onto something. I want
to hold onto him.
But I should know by now that I cant. That I cant hold onto
anyone. I can enlist their help.
I held onto Anthony I think, for dear life. And it was what
I needed at that time. Maybe I was in a tornado and I was
getting blown away and maybe he was what I held onto. Maybe
he led to my eventual strength.
But it was that holding on that led to our falling out.
And I don’t want to fall out with Marco. I don’t want to
just use him for now because he is what I need. For now. I
really feel like I love him. And ya know I really don’t
even know what love is. I don’t. I have no fucking idea.
But I know that when he was feeling down and out, I wanted
to help him. And I know that his words have always had an
effect on me. And I know that I wanted to kiss him on the
santa trinita bridge. Because he was my friend. And I
trusted him. And I wanted to be close to him. And I wanted
to forget about chris.
I haven’t forgotten about chris. I still think about chris.
I still miss chris. I still miss him. Ive always said, I
never fall out of love.

I started crying today because Marco said he was tired and
wanted to go. Didn’t want to talk to me anymore. And I took
that as “I cant handle you anymore sara. I am tired of
you. “
But that’s not what he meant and I believe him. Ya know,
the tables have been turned. I don’t feel like I deserve
him. I feel like he is pure of heart and im not. No I don’t
feel that. I don’t have a black diseased heart. Im a good
person. But so is he. I am floored by his willingness to
put up with me. To talk to me. To work things out with me.
I don’t think ive ever met a man so willing to work things
out. This is huge what we have taken on in of itself. The
nature of the relationship. But to take on ME? Me ,
oversensitive, emotional, crazy me. And he knows me. He
always has.

Maybe this is the same as what he went through. Letting in
vulnerabilities. Maybe this is what I didn’t do with chris.
Am I opening my heart? And letting in all sorts of other
stuff? Or is this about something else? Is this about my
family? That loss of footing?but that illusion burst a long
time ago. Is it the end of college thing? The pressure to
make a new life for myself? Fear I cant do it? Guilt about
money? Not sure how to go about living my life?
Feeling lost all around

Not writing.

Maybe it is all these things. Maybe its all of them mushed
into one.