SweetGirl03

SweetGirl
2003-12-25 06:17:34 (UTC)

Christmas Eve

warm baths with lots of scented candles is deffinately a
relaxing pass time. i got home arond 5:30ish and didnt know
what to do with myself. i cant smoke, that's something that
relaxes me. why am i so tense? why does christmas feel so
lonely for me? it just doesnt feel special, honestly just
feels like a normal day off work. the one thing i dont get
though, why am i so tense? i guess it might be because i
seen a few people i know, like some girl who notice i lost
lots of weight, and frankie, the dude who gives good
wholesome hugs. my ex who came by to tell me about the band
he manages and how he just cant be as close to a person
before they just start getting on his nerves (just like
what happen to us, he says.) maybe it was seeing teddy a
rememberence of my happier days. not that i'm not happy
now, it was just different back then. too much of my past
is coming back to find me. that part of my life has been
healed yet. i wish God would give me some time before he
brings those people back into my life. i cant handle it
yet, not by myself anyways. i hate this i hate seeing
people, it leaves me thinking, wondering, way too fucking
hard. i guess i just think way too fucking hard, i cant
just take things in, i always have to think about them,
make shit bigger than it really is. i hate that. it's the
demons of my past i've been fighting with. the ones that
date back to when i was innocent 15 years old. that 4th of
july before i turned 16. what would have been if i had
stayed home that day? would i still be in NM? would i have
never moved outta my heavenly house? would i have been made
captain? would i have graduated? would i have gone to
St.John's CC? would i be playing the piano? would i have
lost my innocence so young? would i have been promoted?
would i still be goin to church 3 times a week? would i
have loved and lost? would these demons haunt me night and
day? would i have to hide them? would i have to hide what i
feel? would i have to say good night?




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