Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
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2003-12-25 00:55:01 (UTC)

Holidays Suck!

Today has been a really weird day. I started off okay, but
I knew that I was in for it when I wanted a drink (not okay
when you're 8 months pregnant). I made myself a weak drink
with cranberry juice and tried to just keep moving. I did
as much as I was motivated to do, not much more. I didn't
overdo it, if anything, I didn't do much. I just felt so
tired!
Then, as the day got to be later, I began to get nervous
over what all still needs to be done! I haven't cleaned
the house, I haven't wrapped my son's Santa gifts (part of
them are wrapped), there's plenty still to bake and cook,
and I realized that my husband has absolutely no surprises
for Christmas!! I am guilty, I would have liked to have
seen jewelry (a ring) for Christmas from him, but I am
still not sure what he got me. It is something small and
probably in a jewelry box, I don't know. I got the mail
this afternoon and there was a letter explaining why he got
turned down for credit (lack of previous or current credit
cards) at a jewelry store! He is such an awesome person!
It shows that he was thinking like I was.
I didn't exactly eat well (or at all) today, so I made sure
that I picked up some GOOD food for my Mom and I when I was
out late this afternoon. I spent $40 on 2 meals and a
cheesecake (for tomorrow) and came home to eat with my Mom
when she got here. While we were unloading her car, my ex
calls to tell me that my son is on his way home. He gets
home and somewhat settled, and decides that he is hungry,
so I allow him to eat off of my roast beef, vegetables, and
mashed potatoes. I make the mistake of leaving him at the
table with it to do other things when I hear the fork
landing in the sink.
I yell for him not to throw the food away, to leave it on
the table. I then call and ask him if he heard me and he
says "Yes". He is then standing at my doorway and I walk
into the kitchen to find the dog with his nose in the
trash, chowing down. The child not only threw my dinner
away, he had dumped it in the trash, so there was no
salvaging it! I become a raving lunatic!!!! I am
screaming and crying and slamming doors! My $15 dinner was
just trashed and I didn't get but a few bites! I still
can't stop crying!
Now this whole waterfall thing is turned on, I'm stressed
about tonight and tomorrow and feel like I need to pull an
all-nighter (let's go find coffee), but then I realize how
bad that is for me and for the baby and also what kind of
hostess would I be tomorrow if I did that? I think that it
all comes back to the fact that it's Christmas Eve,
tomorrow is Christmas Day, and my husband is not here!!! I
want my whole family to be here! My son tells me, but
Mommy I am with you, and I hope that he knows how much I
love him, even though he really upset me with the whole
dinner thing, but I need his step-dad too. I need both of
them to make this Christmas feel complete.
I feel like I have been this absolutely terrible mother
today, first I drink (for the first time since the day
after we found out) alcohol, then I scream at my son like
some kind of demon about this food thing, like that will
change anything. If I keep this kind of behavior up, I'll
probably end up in labor, hurrah! :-(


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