me

Ignorance is bliss
2003-12-24 22:31:40 (UTC)

confused

hmmmmm there is a lot of feelings of confusion today it is
getting to be christmas my first christmas on my own its
weird i wish my house felt like christmas you know that
warm feeling the smell of cinniman and pine or cooking i
have always wanted this feeling for christmas i never had
it christmas with my father was full of beatings and
showing me my presents what little i had early to hurt my
mothers feelings christmas with my mom is full of fighting
drinking and abusive boyfriends christmas just brings a
time where being drunk is more socially accecptable because
its a holiday i never get excited anymore christmas is just
another day and i hate it i wish i was excited and i had a
lot of presents under my tree ready to be ripped open
tomorrow morning with candles lit and friends and family
talking and hugging and the dogs even get gifts to and that
smell of home isn't it weird my home never smelt of this
home i speak of but there is this smell trapped in my brain
and that is what christmas and home smells like to me

crystal st. germain is spending christmas with me i feel
bad its all my fault i wish i could zoom her whereever her
little heart desires right now and she could spend
christmas with her family hmmmmmmmmm i wonder what candice
is doing i think i am going to call her she got me a candle
for christmas i love her




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