Ad 2:
2003-12-24 19:57:38 (UTC)

i see you standing there, wanting more from me.

and all i can do is try.

it doesnt feel like fucking christmas. i actually wanted
him to come over this afternoon. i dont know. im insanely
lonely right now even though i shouldnt be. i just dont
like shit changing. bad shit never changes. only the
good shit.

i worked on my book last night, the book about myself. im
just weird lately. i dont feel alive.

erin has a girlfriend. how fucking weird. at first i
thought she was getting on my case with her bible-toting
devotion to god shit, cus she asked me about my away
message "goin to see my girl." but it turns out she just
wanted to talk to me about all the judgement being placed
on her. shes barking up the wrong tree - i say fuck em.
thats all i have ever had to say about it, except for my
family. someday i know they will accept it and love me
anyway but i feel like right now, im still just a kid and
they wouldnt understand. and why bother when matt is a
perfect diversion. but everyone else, fuck them. theres
not a person in this world who is worth the time it takes
to worry about if they would judge you for who you love.
but i guess its new to her. i dont remember ever having
much problem with it though. even at the beginning. matt
was the first person i ever denied it to. but hes an
exception to every fucking selfrespecting personal rule
isnt he.

anyway. it doesnt feel like christmas. did i say that
already. im not even honestly excited about indiana. im
not excited about the snow, or the airplane, or being away
from home for a week, or anything i would normally be
excited about. i seriously feel half-awake all the time,
like i dont even care about anything. except my dad was
trying to explain how to get my boarding pass on the way
home cus we dont have that yet and im thinking haha maybe i
wont need to.

she said something cute last night. it made me smile when
i was just about to cry.

i guess we're guna go to dinner now. maybe i'll take the
bird over to matt and ryans. ryan's so excited about it,
even though its in a subtle way, he's not an excited kind
of person, you can still tell. so thats nice. then my
asshole will come over for presents and shit. then i'll
sleep. then i'll wake up and do family presents. then
i'll leave. i dont have to study or work for over a week,
you'd think i'd be excited. i dont know whats up.
somethings missing. something big.

i see you standing there, i'm all i'll ever be,
and all i can do is try.
the more I learn the more I cry,
as I say goodbye to the way of life i thought i had
designed for me

and all of the moments that already passed
we'll try to go back and make them last
all of the things we want each other to be, we never will be
and that's wonderful, and that's life
and that's you, baby, this is me, baby