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2003-12-24 02:20:28 (UTC)

if you want to, i could save you.

i could take you away from here..


i need to talk to caroline. its guna drive me crazy
because i have to wait like a week now. but i need to talk
to her.

so i leave the day after tomorrow =) =)... im so tired. im
just so fucking tired. i have no energy at all. i dont know
how she does it with three jobs. but i wish she didnt have
to. but its alright, im going to fix it, somehow, i swear
to god.

we went and saw her at work=) shes so cute. and my mother
just loves her. anyway though, it was nice, even
though i didnt feel good, ive been half dead all day. we
were up until after 4 and all three alarms started going
off at 830. i cant believe we just up and went to tampa
haha. it was fun though.

i love it there, i love her place, i love being there with
her. i dont love any kind of drama or feeling bad about
shit but. its nice to be able to sit in the shower with
her and talk and drink beer. especially that shower, man i
love that shower. and its nice to sleep with someone, im
so over sleeping alone every night. so over it. but it
was nice. she loves me. im her baby=)

im so tired, did i say that a hundred times yet. i bought a
skirt but its not ghetto lol.

i think im guna do that crazy thing to my hair. i dont
know, im scared. but it might be cute. i think i will
when i get back. because im not doing my lip yet, i
think. im going to set some goals for myself personally
and when i decide i've made considerable effort and
progress, then i will spend the money on myself. i need to
be a more motivated person next semester, not just with
school but with a lot of things. because before i know it,
im guna be old and still bitching about the same things
about myself.

ashley is like family to me more than anyone else. because
when im with my family, i feel like they love me no matter
what. they dont care if ive gained ten pounds or how many
tattoos or piercings i get or if my hair is long or short
or what color it is or what i wear. they dont tell me "you
should dress like this" or "your dreams are stupid and
impossible" or "youre fucked up for this and this and
this." and even if they know im doing something wrong,
they dont try to tell me what to do. and i never doubt that
they love me, no matter what.

and it doesnt matter that out of over 20 people in my
actual family, only 5 of them are in my life. it doesnt
matter at all, because the rest of them arent my REAL
family. just like how it doesnt matter that i dont have 50
people to call friends. i dont like casual relationships
in any sense.

my aunt wants to go fuck up their house while i'm there.
so i need some good ideas. i think the paintball gun is a
little too much. but we'll see.

i need a plan. actually two plans. number 1, next
semester has to be a good one and its my last one in this
town. and number 2, she is not going to be killing herself
working three jobs for much longer.

i need to sleep. in 45 hours im guna be with my little

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