Andrea

Heres a letter for you, but the words ge
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2003-12-23 23:29:05 (UTC)

My life

I’d always thought my life was this big thing to envy.


I thought I could say, “Look! All the places I’ve once
been, people I used to know”. But what did that all really
amount to? A couple of old worn photographs sitting on the
edge of my vanity...I never even look at them anymore. I
remember the last time I did, and I will never do it
again. I picked up the slim picture frame, one of those
stupid sentimental ones that are just crap upon piles of
crap. It says something like Friends; they help you
blossom and grow. Life without friends is like a garden of
wilted roses. How inspirational. I picked it up and looked
at it. And, I found myself unable to blink, transfixed on
what I used to be. For, I was looking at a face so
familiar, yet far away and not at all close to me. And I
couldn’t believe that it was once me, sitting there with a
huge smile on my face with my arm around the other girl. I
couldn’t believe it was me holding a dandelion and
laughing as the camera clicked on the hot summer day. We
had spent all day eating popsicle’s and laughing, talking
about boys and what we were going to be when we got older.
I think I said I wanted to be something like a doctor or a
lawyer. She said she wanted to be a cosmetologist, one of
those people that does other’s hair and makeup and maybe
some fake nails. That was at least two summers ago, or was
it three? I couldn’t remember. And I set the picture down
so carefully, afraid that it would break, I could imagine
a big split clear down the middle of it. And I would
think, “That’s what I get for being like this, that’s
exactly what I get”.
What did my life allot to? I saw before my eyes
flashes of atlases with circles and stars of the places I
had once been, and people that I’d met. Merely stars and
circles, nothing more. I couldn’t remember the names
anymore, they were unfamiliar and distant. I couldn’t
remember the names of the places either. My landscape
wasn’t etched into my mind like it should have been. My
past was all like looking into a kaleidoscope of colors
and shapes all intermingling and bleeding together like a
picture left in the rain. Once the fuzziness had lifted
and dissolved was only when I could see clearly what was
wrong the whole while. I can see my own life, stretched
out in front of me like the tables and charts that we did
in Math class. I can see the decisions and actions and
what their direct conclusions were and how they impacted
everything, like how we learn in personal living. I can
see my faults and mistakes as easy as reading directions
on the back of a box. My life is like the many tables and
bar graphs...pies and charts. How funny that everything
falls into categories and how everything you do is related
to everything that will ever happens to you. And all the
time, while you having fun and making grand plans for you
future, all the while you can never see what it is that
your really doing. You can never see the people that your
hurting, you can never see the people that really care
about you, and you push them away. You never see the trust
you break and the wonderful friendships that you don’t
even remember now. And you are in a whirling kaleidoscope
of your life, everything is happening so fast and it’s so
wonderful. And you step back, take a breath for a
moment...everything is gone. Everything and everyone that
you ever loved is gone. And you are irreversibly changed.
And you sit back, and you tell yourself to breathe. And
now, now that I am alone and deserted; I can see
everything in my charts of cause and effect. My plans are
gone, looking for them is useless, for it is like looking
for footprints in the moist sands. They are quickly washed
away by the rise and fall of the tide. I can see it all,
how wonderful and yet ugly it was at the same time. I can
see my own life, stretched out like a hide to dry in the
sun, and nobody envies it or ever has. My life is not
anything to envy. For, you cannot envy nothing.


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