Cat

Self harming dyke
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2003-12-23 22:56:57 (UTC)

Today, in therapy...

So. I saw the psychotherapist today, at Southmead Hospital.

It was bloody hard work and left me feeling drained and
emotional. But, did I tell you, I got a car!?! I bought a
Peugeot 205 (very old one!) from a neighbour 2 days ago and
have been driving it EVERYWHERE!

So I drove off to Southmead this morning, leaving myself so
much time that I got there at 8.45 for the 9.30am
appointment!

A cigarette in the car park. And then another one. Then 30
minutes in the waiting room reading stupid Take a Break
magazines...

Saw the woman and found her approach quite challenging. Not
the usual assessment thing where she asks questions and I
answer, but more
.......................?????silent questining???...........
where I have to speak. Took me a while to warm up and then
I told her everything.

And then she asked some questions. So clever. I know the
methods they use, I was trained to use them. They normally
don't work well on me, I feel immune and superior in my
immunity. But today... after a bit of warming up, what the
bloody hell happened?

She did it.

She broke through my mask
through my veneer
through my self protection.
She shocked me with my replies.
She made me feel shaken and shocked and upset so that the
carefully masked indifferent face cracked and I cried my
heart out. It did only last for a minute until I managed to
regain control and composure.

I changed the subject and I talked about my nails. Well,
why not?!?!

She said that I had to go back to where I was before, when
I was upset. I explained that I couldn't do that because I
would have to leave the appointment at some point and go
home and wear a mask and plan lessons and be human and
adult. She said that, well, she would later conclude the
session by bringing me back into that world... or words to
that effect. I tried, but it hurt too much so I just let
myself dissociate. Much easier.

Lots more happened, she got close to making me break
through again, but I was more guarded. I'm kinda stubborn
like that...

At the end, she discussed options and also I found out that
they had discussed my case as a team (they hadn't met
me!!!????*** think this is good...) and then the
suggestion. The scary but after the shock left me, (a few
hours after my appointment had ended and I had driven my
car round Bristol randomly!) a great suggestion.

Therapeutic Community.

I have heard of these before, some people on my Internet SI
support group (which, incidentally, I have been advised by
several professionals to leave).

You stay there for a year, on the NHS, and the 27 or so
residents (NOT patients!) work together (with the 40 or so
staff) and you have to commit to not harm, to obey certain
rules and basically it is like a commune and a retreat
rolled into one, with the added bonus of Sikes, Sikols,
CPNs, SWs etc into the bargain. The TCs are tough to get
into, only limited places, you need to have exhausted other
routes of help and I *think* you have to be quite fucked up
(Lol!).

Everyone has acknowledged that I am the latter...
especially since I started listening to fellow internet
si-ers and discovered the salt/ice technique... I dunno,
maybe I really am just a big old mess, but I reckon it
could be just what I need. A year where I can concentrate
on sorting stuff out, I can ignore the daily shite that
gets in the way of my *recovery*, I can just do what I need
to. Also, is a year when I can finish writing my book, I
can learn to paint and/or start to learn to play a musical
instrument, I can meet more fascinating people, I can
experience another amazing facet of life and... well I can
be alive, which does sometimes seem an impossibility these
days...

So, I have the leaflet, I have visited the website.

Although she reckons I could go now, I wouldn't plan to go
til my course ends, cos I have to try to finish it now have
done so much and I *do* enjoy it. So in June I might be
finally doing the right thing, mental health wise. I might
actually sort my fucked up head out.

Sorry for extremely long entry, just wanted to record this
so I remember the details.

Cat x

"Imagine all the people, sharing all the words...you may
say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.... I hope some
day you'll join us and the world will live as one."


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