On The Outside Looking In
2003-12-23 07:14:52 (UTC)


Hey there people. So this is my new online diary. I had one
before but I want one where I can be anonymous so I can
write what I really feel.
I'm 17 years old, and I love cheerleading more than
anything in the world, and I like Saturday Night Live, and
the Simpsons, and hanging out with my friends, and the
Boston Red Sox. I am a New England chick after all!
Have you ever felt like you're always on the outside
looking in? That's the title of this diary, I know. That's
how I feel a lot of the time. Like, I hang out with my
friends and stuff, and just feel isolated sometimes. Most
people say I'm really outgoing and funny, and I definitely
talk a lot, but I'm so different inside. They don't even
know. Ya know what really gets to me? I'm 17 and I've never
even had a boyfriend. I don't know why, but guys just don't
like me. I don't think I'm gorgeous or anything but I think
I'm not ugly...I'm definitely on the chunky side but I
don't think that's a big factor (at least I hope not).
Sometimes I think they are afraid of me, because people
don't intimidate me at all. I actually AM really outgoing,
and I honestly think that scares guys sometimes, because
I'm not afraid to tell it like it is. I just feel like such
a loser when people talk about their ex's and ask me who
mine are and I say I've had none. And when I do manage to
find a good guy, I'll feel even more like a loser...I've
never even kissed anyone!! There are a few guys around
school I have little crushes on, but there's one guy in
particular that I have been head over heels for since 10th
grade (I'm a senior). He's not that cute, but he's so
different from other guys. He's the most open-minded person
I've ever met, and he's super smart, not just academic, but
like, street smarts. He knows what's out there. We always
joke around in our study hall together and in our french
class we tease each other, but I know he likes this other
girl who's actually super nice. It's so weird...whenever
he's sad, it's like I just want to hold him and take away
all of his pain and give my happiness to him, so that he'll
be happy, because that's all I want, is for him to be
happy. It hurts so bad to know that I'll probably never
have a chance with him. I say probably because I swear that
for the last couple weeks or so, he's been acting a little
bit different around me...like, more teasing, acting a
little bit more outgoing, talking to me more as opposed to
just talking to the group, etc. So I don't know...what if
he does like me? We're going to different colleges next
year...we'll only be like an hour and a half apart but
still, with one semester of high school left and summer
vacation, that isn't much time. But I guess it's better
late than never. I don't know...I'll cross that bridge
if/when I get to it.