Kell3013

stripped
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2003-12-22 05:41:52 (UTC)

Regrets

Im beginning to regret many things that happend in my
life. One that i couldn't really help because it was my
parents decision, was moving to kentucky. When i lived in
ohio, no one ever talked behind anyones back (mainly
because we said our shit to each others faces and fought it
out and got over it) also, no one really gave a flying f
where you lived, what brand of clothes you wore, who you
dated, blah blah blah. Everything that the people in
kentucky obsess over, and revolve their lives around. I
swear i have never heard so many gossip stories in my
life. Even adults do it and the thing that sucks is that
its freaking contagious because thats all im surronded by!
I was once proud of my backround and how my parents raised
me (i lived in a 4 room house in lower price hill, with
gang fights across the street of my house) and then i come
to kentucky (esp. ryle) and hear everyones story of their
rich grandparents and their 4 car garage house and mommy
and daddy bought me this... well when i was emerged into
this, i began to feel ashamed of myself and where i came
from, no longer am i proud of who i am. I miss my old
lifestyle, and i have a feeling that this new one has
ruined my family, for reaons i do not feel like sharing but
im beginning to worry that what this place has done to them
its beginning to do to me.
Another major regret of mine is trusting people.
There are few people in my life that i have ever trusted,
there has prob been about 3. And neither one of my parents
are a part of that number, not after i saw what they put my
sister through, i cant trust them that they wont do that to
me. I have rarely ever trust "friends" because im not
really sure what consitutes a friend. I have people that i
can talk to about gay stuff but i cant really trust anyone
with my emotions and the important events that happen in my
life. My best friend is probably the person i trust the
most in my life. Yea, we have our ups and downs, and we
bitch at each other constantly, but its because we are like
sisters, but the cool thing is, is that we get over our
petty fights and we are always there for each other in a
time of need. For example, we were in a huge fight but when
i called her crying and needed her to cover for me, she was
there for me, now tell me about someone that can drop their
fights and do that, not too many people. One of the others
that i have trusted is my sister. We rarely ever talk now,
she's approaching 21 and lives in Lexington with her
boyfriend, who will most likely become my brother-in-law
(unfortuantly), and his 4 year old daughter (not my sisters
child by the way). But if i call her and need to vent,
which is mostly me sobbing over the phone about something
she probably cares less about, but i know whatever i tell
her stays inbetween us. She knows for a fact what happens
when you trust someone w/ your secrets and they stab you in
your back. That was a large chapter in her life, so i know
she'll never put me through that. One of the final people
i have trusted, in a way, i regret doing that. He's one of
my best friends, but in a way, he has betrayed my trust.
As of now, he's trying to get me to forgive him, but its
hard for me. I have known him for three years and all of a
sudden, within the last month probably, he has hurt me more
than anyone ever has. I know I had hurt him (long story)
but seeking revenge on someone who is your supposed best
friend, thats just wrong. But anyway, i have told people
secrets about me, my family, my thoughts, and i really wish
i hadn't. No one needs to know your business expect you.
Thats why it says "your" before it, its not anyone elses..
thats a lesson I learned the hard way.
My last regret... is writing this. But i had to get it
off my chest. Most of this I haven't really talked to
anyone about these issues, but yea, im done venting... for
now


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