Trina18

Starlite Starbrite
2003-12-22 02:52:25 (UTC)

Lost Heartache

O gosh where to start..so much has happened and i have
tried to make sense of it! This may sound harsh but i dont
know if the man i love is really the man i love....i gave
him my heart hoping he would accept it and love me
back...but how do you really tell if someone truly loves
when he is far away...you cant...all you can trust is thier
word and it is not that i dont trust his its just that i am
having second thoughts...i mean...i dont know if its him
being scared maybei shouldnt tell him everything my mom
says about him when she brags i know thats intimidating i
am scared shitless of what i feel...or maybe he is just
flat out scared or holding back which i can understand
also...i just wish i could tell how he really felt...i mean
one min with him is like o yea i love you back and blah
blah and the next its this tough guy image that doesnt want
to get married or have children and he talks about this on
and in when he knows thats what i want....i want a man who
wants 4 children and who wants to get married and wants to
settle down and who is all around good guy...i know he is a
great guy i have seen it in him being an ass is just in his
nature and that doesnt bother me..i dont know what i am
really gettin at but that i am havng second thought i am
holding out for this guy and i dont know if i should be..i
am scared of finding someone else for fear it would hurt
him and me and i would never know what is or was there..if
and when he were to return home...i dont know what to do or
how to feel....last nite when i talked to this guy (he
knows who he is) he was going on about marriage and
children and i repsect what he says and opinions but he
know what i want and was going on about not wanting to get
married to prove his dad wrong and not wanting children and
how am i supposed to take that stuff...for awhile as he was
going on about stuff i zoned out and for a while he
reminded me of this guy Ivan who is a good friend but broke
my heart or should i say played with it...i just wish i
could figure out these feelings so i knew what to do.....i
mean should i be waiting or shouldnt i....should i date and
forget all about the "possible" us...or should i date and
put us on hold...god..i dont know i wish i did,...cuz these
thoughts have really been buggin me..i mean i have never
doubted him or been scared that he was going to break my
heart but lately my views have changed so much that i am in
a wierd state of mind and i know he can tell b/c i was real
quite on the phone tonite...i just wish i knew how he felt
and what he really wants out of life..i know he may not
know but i need to know what to feel..how to feel...how he
feels what he feels...all that crappy scary stuff...i know
all this marriage talk is nausiating and the whole family
thing it scares me trust...it does and i cant believe i am
worried about it..i was always the one that wasnt going to
wait on her husband or become the typical "wife" but now i
want to be that "wife" who takes care of her family and
husband the way one should but also be strong...which he
knows i am and stubborn like him but right now i am
confused about "us" this sux so bad! i have to go

star light star bright...first star i see tonite..i wish i
may i wish i might have this wish i make tonite...i wish i
knew what to feel or what to do




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